Ad of the week

I think this ad is great. To me, it sort of encapsulates everything New Zealand.

If you want to feel like you glass is half full, then watch this.

This arrived in my inbox this morning. No doubt it's done the rounds but I hadn't seen it before and just had to share.



Cause it's one of those things that, today, made me really pleased that I am me (and not the poor fucker in the car).

Memo to Bright People: Epic Fail

When HRH Queenie was visiting the London School of Economics in November she asked the pointy heads why the credit crunch managed to sneak up and proverbially catch everyone with their pants firmly around their ankles.

As she is the queen, when she asks, she gets.

In order to answer her question, the British Academy piled a whole lot of rocket scientists into a room, shut the door and refused to let anyone* out until they had hammered out an appropriate response.

*I made that part of that sentence up. I am sure they were allowed out to go to the dunny or to phone a friend.

My cousin sent me their excuse.

I particularly like this sentence:

Among the authorities charged with managing these risks, there were difficulties too. Some say that their job should have been 'to take away the punch bowl when the party was in full swing.'

And if you want to know (in a nutshell) why no one saw the credit clusterfuck coming, here's what they say:

So in summary, Your Majesty, the failure to foresee the timing, extent and severity of the crisis and to head it off, while it had many causes, was principally a failure of the collective imagination of many bright people, both in this country and internationally, to understand the risks to the system as a whole.

And then, almost as if to sound like they're sorry, they sign off by saying:

We have the honour, to remain, Madam,
Your Majesty's most humble and obedient servants.

Blerrgh, sucky, suck, suck.

So anyway, bright people, it's all your fault. Go shut yourselves in the wardrobe and don't come out till you're ready to apologise and behave nicely.

Goodbye.

I don't think I took any hallucinogenics this morning.

One of these isn't true.

A. In the office the heat pump is at 23 degrees (and if I had my way, I would crank it to 30).

B. So far this morning I have had two coffees.

C. A man in a full chicken suit - with a briefcase - has just walked down the road.

D.I can't wait for winter to finish.




The answer is B. I have only had one coffee so far.

For the love of all things Bay City Roller.

When in at a loss of what to post (or too lazy to post something constructive), there's always the comfort of Awkward Family Photo from where you can steal material.

Meet the Dot Family who make you just want to take the eighties and give them a great big hug.

And the family who obviously has a deep love of the Bay City Rollers.

And when you've run out of inspiration over at AFP there's always photos of your mother and your big sister to post.

My.Sister.Is.Going.To.Kill.Me.

It's quiz time, kids!

Before you read this, go pull out your car keys.

1. Count how many keys you have on your key ring.

( Eleven).

2. Now count the keys you use on a regular (i.e daily) basis.

(Four).

3. Count the number of keys you have no idea what they unlock.

(Three).

Sigh.

And I wonder why I continue to carry around inordinate amounts of shit in my handbag.

Now could someone out-key me and please make my key collection look not so ridiculous?

And last question of my Saturday quiz is, could someone also please explain how come something as little as a key has the power to monumentally screw your day ?

Never underestimate the strength of a reticulated wall.

A friend just sent me this. And I've shamelessly cut and pasted the pictures into my blog.

Behold a brand spanking new Airbus 340-600 which, until recently, was sitting in a hangar in Toulouse, France without an hour on the clock. (There was a photo of the exterior of the plane but blogger won't let me publish it).

Sexy, yes?

I would say that's what the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) thought when they went to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, before its delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi. First up, they taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.

Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Unfortunately, it appears these fellas hadn't read run-up manuals and they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really was.

There is an actual blow by blow account of what happens next, but I'll cut to the chase.

They kind of totalled it. Oh yeah.
I think the technical term for this is 'a bad day at the office.'
Apparently the extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere as coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.

But then, I could always be victim to a great Internet myth.

And if it isn't, I reckon the crew the have just created a fantastic yarn to tell their grandchildren, if they're still around to tell it.

Anyone else heard of this story, or have I just been royally had?

Just another day in the office.

When I am in working in the office I generally start my day by making a list of things I need to achieve. Generally the list has things like: write this, find music for that, book this, call her, call him, send invoice to them, write that, pay him, sort out that, start to organise this, write schedule for that, shotlist that, blah, blah, blah, pass the nuts.

Today's list has a smattering of the above and a question.

Do we need a helicopter?

Champagne and caviar, it ain't.

When I was about six I remember telling my mother that when I was a grownup all I was just going to eat was fish and chips and Throaties (licorice flavoured cough lollies which we were never allowed, but Barbara Kreegher was. She was our dealer).

This must have filled my mother with joy as she realised her daughter was showing tendencies of becoming an obese drug taker from a very tender age. Obviously she would have been comforted in the fact that 'obese drug taker' was a contradiction in terms.

But anyway, that was my desired menu for the rest of my life as a six year old - what would have been yours?

We've had the make over shows....

...now it's time for the food make over shows. Courtesy of Brother-in-law.

Behold Fancy Fast Food, the site where bad food gets a make over that seriously messes with your head.

Exhibit A. Wendy's Napoleon.

At first(quick) glance what do you see?

A gateaux type affair drizzled with a caramel sauce with chocolate sprinklings?

Sorry people.

Cue record scratch.

That,apparently, delicious looking dessert is made from these ingredients.

Don't believe me ?

Here is the recipe. ( I really wouldn't recommend reading it if you like food).

Wendy’s Napoleon (Fancy Baconator Combo) by Adrian Fiorino of Insanewiches.com
Ingredients:
1 Wendy’s Baconator:
1 large fries
1 small Coke
1 bottle of water
2 little cups (or packets) of ketchup
12 sugar packets
Disassemble the burger. The cheese may not separate from the meat, but that’s okay. Place the bun in a food processor with 2 tbsp of water and pulse until it resembles couscous. Set aside. Do the same with the fries until it becomes a paste.Chop the burgers (cheese and all) into pieces with a knife. Place in the processer and pulse until they look like pate.To create the Napoleon, cut the french container so the top is level. Pack alternating layers of the minced meat, the mashed potato paste, and the bun-turned-"couscous" into the container until it is full. Invert over a plate and wiggle until it is loose.For the spun sugar garnish, empty twelve packets of sugar into a heavy bottom saucepan with 1/4 cup of water over medium heat. While stirring, cook mixture until it is a deep brown color (10-15 minutes). Remove from heat and allow to sit 1 min. Over foil, gently flick the sugar back and forth to create a strand-like design.To make the sauce, put 1/2 cup of Coke and the ketchup into a pan over medium heat. Reduce for five minutes.Next, crisp up the bacon in a pan for two minutes over medium heat before chopping it into little pieces.To assemble, gently separate sugar garnish from foil and stick it in the top of the Napoleon. Pour sauce around the Napoleon and then form 4 little piles of bacon around the edges of the plate.Pour some of the remaining Coke in a wine glass, and there it is: a Fancy Baconator Combo that you might think is waaaay better than the original!

Sorry about that.

I have a pot plant handy if you're feeling a bit vomity.

Me + my house = major occupational health and safety risk.

Some things one should possibly try to avoid at all costs:

When mopping the floor, it is best not to step backwards into the corner, pokey-outie, sharp bit of the bench - with reasonable force.

Especially on to the bit where you've had a back operation.

Or two.

Is it just me ..

...or is 'chillaxing' one of the worst mutations of the English language to date?

Kind of like a corgioceros.

Conversation in office.

We have recently moved offices to share a space with another couple of teams in the same industry.

First day in the office Numbers, the accounts guy,walks in to the new space.

'Wow, someone is going to change their behaviour aren't they?'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, now there are other people here, you're going to have to act like an adult.'

'Considering this morning a remote control car came careering around the corner, screeched to a halt in front of my desk, with a note on the windscreen that said, "GET FUCKED!", I don't think that's going to have to be anytime soon.'

I'm thinking fans, I'm thinking umbrellas.......and maybe a plinth.

Okay so I am not over my obsession of Awkward Family Photos. The accompanying comment to this says 'Clearly, all of the other props were occupied at this photo studio.'

I think this guy's name is Trevin, which is kind of perfect.

They've started adding awkward family stories and this one really made me squirm,

'For Christmas my mom's entire side of the family gets together. One Christmas when the family was exchanging gifts, my great aunt came over to thank me for the ornament I gave her. She said thank you then took a second look at me and my cousin sitting next to me and told us we’d make a cute couple. No one really knew what to say.'

How about 'Put away the banjo Auntie Nora.'

Of course you'd like to bike down the top of a fence.

I've only just discovered this and, with over eight million views, I am picking I am late to this party.

If you haven't seen it and you want to see balance turned into an art form - check out Danny Macaskill.

Only a month and a half left of it, and counting...

...but I suppose there are some days when I can't really grizzle about winter.

An interesting place to park.

No, this isn't an me showing off my photoshop skills. This what happened when Arthur Manning sailed just a leetle to close to the rocks when over taking in a Royal Channel Islands Yacht Club race near Saint-Quay-Portrieux, north-west France.

Unfortunately, he tried to do it when the tide was sort of on its way out. You'll be relieved to hear the boat was refloated at high tide.

Unlike (as the Daily Mail points out) the owner's pride.

A niggling thought.

So MJ's memorial service has just wound up and no doubt we will see replays for much time to come.

But you know? I just can't seem to rule out him doing a Bobby Ewing and turning up in the shower.

It's a hell of a way to get a new house.

One of my 'Stralian cousins sent me this link, which is pure gold. I'll let him tell you what he thought.

'I greatly enjoy tales detailing the combination of the truly stupid amongst us and networking sites. Brightens up my whole day... '

And..

'I'll declare my bias by admitting I loath Facebook and related sites...'

Basically the story goes like this - the new head of MI6, the British, um, secret intelligence service sort of had all his personal details (minor details like, oh, where he lived and worked) plastered all over Facebook.

As a result poor old Sir John Sawers and his family are most probably going to have to be rehoused (and let me tell you, MI6 are hopping mad) .

And who was responsible for this breach of national security?

None other than this woman.

Off with her head! I hear you say- which is possibly something MI6 would have entertained if it weren't for the minor detail that she is Lady Sawers.

Needless to say Lady Sawers no longer has a Facebook page.

I applaud her, together she and Facebook have managed to turn the British Secret Intelligence Service into an oxymoron.

Genius.

More on Michael

This, from my brother-in-law. (Who saw it at Tumeke).



I laughed, but then I have very poor taste.

If you take one of the blue pills and mix it with three of the red ones......

My mate, who provides me with lots of material for this blog (see the pumpkin themed wedding), has just given me another pealer that I have to share.

While you're sitting at your computer toiling with either:copy, numbers, a snarky boss/employee or ignoring your wee darlings, spare a thought for my friend. This is how she spent time earning a crust earlier in the week.

"My 'career' has reached a new low.Just spent the morning pulling 'the bird' at the Prime Minister. Outside a school for deaf children. Wouldn't have minded if it was funny. It wasn't. My parents will be so proud..."

(She's stopped updating her Facebook page with what she's been doing as people were beginning to think that her world and the real world were two entirely different things.)

Suddenly Michael Jackson doesn't seem so weird, after all.

I was reading an article about the family who took out the thirty-six million Big Wedneday win in last Saturday's paper. The article was asking whether having a cookie jar stuffed with unlimited supply of cash would buy happiness, or not.

It went on to talk about Paradise Syndrome - a new(unofficial) disorder that befalls those poor feckers who have everything - except happiness (Desperate Housewives - oh but, that's right, they're not real). The article goes on to say that Paradise Syndrome may explain the obsession for cosmetic surgery. And this is the part that really got me.

I quote:

'In the United States some commentators are labelling the booming cosmetic surgery a national epidemic. Driven by economic greed and insecure clients it has become the wild frontier of human excess.

In her tell-all tome Beauty Junkies:Inside Our $15 Billion Obsession With Cosmetic Surgery, Alex Kuczynski, herself a 10-year nip-and-tuck junkie, lifts the skin-fold on the mad quest for perfect.

Her account of the compulsive activities of one Hollywood housewife fleshes out the scale of the obsession. The woman's routine entailed two trips to the hairdresser each week, a once-a-week facial and full-body waxing, regular tanning sessions, manicures plus teeth cleaning (what? you can't do it yourself ?)and whitening. Body and face were caked in expensive creams made from caviar, 24-carat gold, human growth hormone or wild yam extract.

Tennis, pilates and a personal trainer kept her body toned. She average three sessions a year under the plastic surgeon's knife as well as injections with Gore-Tex (I thought you wore that to keep the rain out?) Botox and Artecoll. She has had liposuction and a series of breast augmentations.

She is, says Kuczynski, considered pretty normal amongst her peers.'

Even with an unlimited supply of cash I could only be arsed to doing ten percent of that woman's routine. And all laziness aside, I wouldn't want to do most of that stuff to my body and it sure-as-shit wouldn't make me happy.

Call me a hillbilly, but in my world it's just more evidence to prove the theory that the higher we evolve, the more stupid we seem to become.