Ho Ho Ho!

Crikey and suddenly we are on holiday! Where did that year go?

I suppose when you throw together: selling a house, leaving a secure job and hurling yourself into the terrifying but exhilarating world of freelance, buying a house, jamming two offshore jaunts with work and one for fun, not learning another language and topping the year off with landing a contract for a job that really excites me (whilst, again, slightly terrifying me)...that is going to make the months speed by in a bit of a blur.

And not because I've spent most of the year drunk.

I hope you all have wonderful holidays, Christmases and New Years. I'm going to.

I will be back in 2014!

Been a little bit busy...

...but that's always going to happen when your deadline for a very large project - due to unforeseen circumstances - suddenly collides with a house move.

It got to the point where I was thinking, 'Please don't let anything else turn up on the horizon that needs to be crowbarred into this week, cause there's Just. No. More.Room.' It was one of those weeks where the sleeping real estate got sold to make room for Things That Had To Be Done.

Anyhou...done now and I can just smell the holiday on the horizon.

However, if Little-Miss-Try-To-Please-Everyone keeps saying 'yes' to projects, that holiday is going to become about as elusive as the unicorn I want for Xmas.

My Office Today...

..was really quite fun....

Sorry, that looks very skitey-pants.

I hate people like me.

Just Another Day at the Office.

'Could you go to insertnameofbigcountryinAsia... tomorrow?'

'Ummm.....yes...?'

Problems - Solutions.

Need motivation to go through all those piles of previous years' junk in the garage? 

Easy. 

Flood it.

Terry the Bi Bilpolar Polar Bear

This is made by a guy I used to work with.

Ten bucks says you laugh out at the end.

Do you owe me ten dollars?

And it's a 'no' from Little Miss Yippety Yap.

A restaurant in New York has just opened up that specialises in...

...wait for it...

*whispers*

...silent dining.

Yup, you go along and enjoy your meal...without saying a word to your dining companions.

I am sorry, but that's my idea of hell. 

Crikey, a dinner party there would be a riot.

Even worse, imagine being invited to that dinner party? It really would say a lot about what your hosts thought of you. 

'How were the Browns?'

'Well, George looked like he chewed on the steak and Mary couldn't get through her duck -  took home a doggie back. Apart from that, couldn't tell you. They looked well enough, though.'

Apparently the chef was inspired after a trip to India after he saw Buddhist monks eat their meals in silence. 

But what I want to know - were those monks smiling?

In simpler times...when you could see if things were broken....

I have been working on a project that involves sending large files across large stretches of water and different time zones.

Today we received some graphics through that interweb tunnel-thing that just refused to work for us. Which isn't entirely ideal as we've got our noses pressed up against a deadline.

Anyhou, it was no one's fault, just came down to technology.

I sent an email this morning, 'If only corrupt files could be fixed with gaffer tape.'

Which is the same sentiment that a friend said recently, 'You know you've moved into a new age when your car needs at IT guy to fix it and not a mechanic.'

Crikey, listen to me, soon I will be saying, 'In the olden days I used to share my gumboots with my brother and hop to school.'

What is it they say about filming with children and animals? Cause I clearly didn't get the memo...

In the last week I have filmed with: a mouse, a yowly Tonkinese, a paper shredding Burmese, a toy poodle type dog, a grumpy Persian cat the size of a small dog, a couple of sheep, a Husky dog, a couple of Devon Rex cats, Kunekune pigs, a shoulder-perching chicken, a miniature pony, three children and a stuffed dog.

And I didn't even go mad. 

They Can Both Fly.....

I have talked before about my brother Sunshine and his love for attempting to fly, multi sports and carrying on in the face of pain  (a few years ago he managed most of a 15k run, 18k bike and a 10k kayak with a dislocated shoulder). Here's him attempting to fly in Puerto Rico a few years ago.

So it really shouldn't surprise me to learn that he discovered one month after a skiing accident, a month that included one eighty-five and two one hundred kilometre bike rides as well as two days skiing that he had actually broken his shoulder in two places. 

I suppose what really shouldn't surprise me more was that he actually asked his surgeon if he could continue his training so he would be able to compete in said bike race.

And it's very clear he's handed his ability to bounce on to his son....

I already feel sorry for what Angus's body is about to go through, going forward.

Hide the Needles and Stand Back from the Knife.

Recently I was lucky enough to go along as a friend's plus-one to a fashion show.

Oh, what's not to like?

Pretty frocks, complimentary champagne, goodie bags - all on a school night.

But what I wasn't prepared for was the extra treat - the massive smorgasbord of bad plastic surgery and botox that was on show.

Oh. My. Stars.

It was stunning.

Don't get me wrong, there were loads of women who looked stunning and who clearly had a bit of work on the side. It's not these women I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the women who went that extra mile - whose faces were so obviously plumped with poison or stretched and slightly twisted by surgery that they were left with a contorted/stunned/doll like appearance.

And many of them looked far too young to have started to make themselves look like Halloween Barbie. It was just looked like they hadn't learnt how to say, 'Thank you but I've had enough.'

My friend and I were like a coupla kids in a candy shop, 'Oh wow, look at her!'

'Yeah nothing moves except the bags under her eyes!'

It was a fascinating spectacle, one I wouldn't have missed for the world. However at one point during the evening I leaned over to my friend and whispered, 'I'm really pleased I'm me.'

Needless to say, my lines don't have to fear being blown back into my youth.

Shoes: they're hell of a way to inject life into Friday afternoon.

Picture this. Friday afternoon in a large open plan female skewed office.  Everyone weary from the week, gasping for wine o’clock to roll around and the minute hand on the clock making like it’s trapped in Monday afternoon after a long weekend. 

Into this situation bursts a cameraman… not with a camera but laden with boxes of shoes. All sorts of shoes. Shiny ones, high ones, flat ones, boot ones.

On my. It was like flies to a honey pot. Suddenly he was surrounded by a gaggle of excited women pawning over his wares.

‘This is waay better than wine,’ was one of the calls that went up.

It has to be said, importing shoes is not the most obvious income stream that springs to mind when considering what a cameraman could do in his down time.

‘How do you go from cameraman to shoe salesman?’

‘In New Zealand you guys get so ripped off with shoes, they're so expensive. And I was just really sick of my wife spending so much money on them…so we decided to do it ourselves.'

Genius.

Byte Me

Boy oh boy I’ve felt like my head has been about to explode of late. Talk about being busy, Trev.

The guilty culprit is work - finding myself in the unenviable position of dragging two series of television across the line at exactly the same time.  

This scheduling clash could not to be avoided and I could see it looming like a great time-hoovering juggernaut  on my horizon. And, after the last three weeks, I have come to a conclusion - my brain is simply too small. 

I need a geopbyte.

In the interim could someone pass me a cup of tea, a lie down and Spring?

Fact of the day...

As stolen from my email provider... 

Sea otters hold hands while sleeping so they don't float away from each other.

Awwwwwwwwwwww.........

Emails you chew on...

Like the one that landed in my inbox yesterday from Brother in Law, entitled Last Night :

I had dinner in Wellington with James Nesbitt and Martin Freeman, and you didn't.

Obviously my reply wasn't terribly complimentary.

Further to my last post...

First up: read my last post first if you want to make sense of the following conversation.

So...The Child duly came in for her interview. I asked Thepersonwhointerviewedher how it went and she raved about her.

I then sent The Child this text.

'Crikey, what lies did you tell? Thepersonwhointerviewedyou likes you. I smell a rat...a big fat rat.'

Her: 'Oh no, she's just saying that because she thinks we are friends. Which is SO not true. And obviously I lied out my arse too.'

'Now it's making sense.'

'And I gave her a puppy.' 

 

 

 

A Well Received Recommendation

I got an email from someone who used to work on a show I produced at another production company. She's back in the country and is looking for work. I asked her to send me her CV and said that I would forward it on to the right person.

She did that and I forwarded it with the accompanying email.

Attached is Insert Name’s (from here on known as The Child) C.V.
Don’t believe a word of what she says, it’s all lies.
Having said that, I can’t recommend her highly enough. She worked on Insertnameofshow and stopped me plunging a knife into Insertnameofsomeone's neck. We’d have conversations like, ‘How are you feeling Kate?’
‘I want to cut myself.’
‘Would that be with a blunt or a sharp knife?’
And if I wanted either those knives, she would have provided them – as well as the first aid.
She’s great at co-ordinating, being in the field, got loads of initiative, knows computers inside side out, is a word Nazi with incredible eye for detail and most recently has been production managing at Anotherproductioncompay.
I’d love her in the office because then I could pick on her.
See whatcha think ! 

She has an interview on Friday.

Just Call Me the Fertility Fairy.

At the company I work at I am now up to my sixth show I am producing for them.

I would just like to point out that every single one of my production managers has announced they have fallen pregnant while on my shows.

The latest being today.

Sadly I can no longer claim that I've upped my marriage-followed-by-a-baby score (four) but, let's face it, that would start to be a little bit Twilight Zone.

However I'm saying I thought I was doing well at four....but six?

People in the office are now refusing to work for me...

A Text Conversation.

I just got a text from a member of my team. They are doing a night shoot - outside - and I was sent a photo of the shoot with the caption, 'Freezing our arses off. Are you bringing coffee hahahaha?'

I text back.

'A decent producer would bring you coffee - pity your one is such a bitch.'

I know they'll get me back, but right now I'm really enjoying being me.

*Skips off to snuggle up to heater*

A friend sent me an email the other day that was headed up, '25 Reasons to Not Travel on the Bus.' At least that's what I think it was headed. Anyhou, it was crammed with entertainment - here are a couple of highlights. (Hah, I did that without even thinking). 

Someone who hadn't quite grasped the concept of highlighting? But hey, maybe they liked colouring in. Or just wanted to run out the highlighter before their sister got her hands on it.  

 Isn't Mr Crochet just something else?

And as for Mr Crying Man with two white rabbits, I simply have no words.  Okay maybe that's a lie. I have two. Rabbit casserole.

And Mr Crying Man knows it.

Overhead in Office - the Return.

A number of people were crowded around a computer watching a clip on Facebook of a drummer playing not very well. A colleague asks another colleague (who is a very good musician) what his impression is of the performance.

‘He looks like an ape whose just discovered fire.’

I. Nearly. Choked. 

Enemy of the Neighbourhood.

An observation.

Aren't leaf blowers the most ridiculous invention?

Leaf suckers - I get.

But leaf blowers?

'Excuse me while I blow all our leaves on to your property. Please have a lovely day.'

Overheard in the Office

'There are two things that are the enemy of rock n' roll. Children and sailing.'

Perception

Last weekend my nine year old and eleven year old nieces were staying with their mother.

Eleven: 'In the car on the way up Mummy was asking how we'd describe you to a police officer.' (I chose to not think about that question too deeply).

Me: 'And...?'

Eleven: 'Short....sorry Kate but you are, blonde curly hair and....CRAZY!'

Me: 'Crazy?!'

Eleven: 'Nine said that!'

Some time later I said to Nine: 'So I hear that Mummy asked you guys how you'd explain me to a police officer?'

Nine: 'Yes!'

Me: 'And?'

Nine: 'Short, blonde curly hair that goes down between your top lip and your chin, with mousey ringlets and crazy.'

Me: 'Crazy?!'

Nine: 'Eleven said that!'

I don't know whether to feel proud or short.

Move Over Holden, Lamborghini is in the House.

You know things are going okay in your country when they up-spec the police car fleet to Lamborghinis.

Apparently that's the go in Dubai. I read the article and thought it was an April Fool's joke.

Apparently not. 

However I then read further...only to discover apparently so. 

It wasn't an April Fool's joke but that a Lamborghini police car had featured in a recently made film shot in Dubai.

So, story not as good as it started out but, regardless, you're always going to liven up a sentence when it contains the words 'police car' AND 'Lamborghini'.  

Mental Note to Self....

After indulging in a merry spot of Easter bag snatching, when you making your getaway, best make sure the glass door is open.

I'm picking that man will be suffering from more than a sugar low this morning.

Zen Cats and Easter Eggs

Been a bit busy of late, back now.

Happy Easter and I hope everyone is having a rollicking old time surfing that sugar high.

I stumbled across this in interweb wanderings...and I have to say I'm a little bit gobsmacked. Watch, then join me afterwards.



See what I mean?

I do not know of any cats that would allow this to happen. No matter how much cash they were bribed with.

Oh hang on, they're cats, no opposable thumbs....

Regardless, they're just all a little too serene for me...a little too smug.  I think it could be hesitantly whispered that there is such a thing as 'too much yoga.'

Or should that be 'too much opium?'

Autumn? I don't think so.

Today is the 16th of March.

The 76th day of the year.

The 16th day of Autumn.

And the first time I've worn jeans all year.

Indian summer, let me count the ways I love you.

Water Resistant - My Foot.

'I think I've lost my watch.'

'No, it'll be around somewhere - have you checked your car?'

'Yup, looked everywhere, can't find it.'

'Bugger.'

'Bugger. I really liked that watch.'
.
.
.
.
A day later.

'I've found your watch!'

'YAY! Where?'

'In the washing machine...'

'Uh oh....before or after a load?'

'After the second load...'

'Bugger!'

'Bugger.'

'At least you now have a very clean watch.'

However I am delighted share with you that closer inspection revealed those buggers were surplus to requirements- my very clean watch still works!

Surprise!

A woman at work got an enormous bunch of beautiful flowers delivered to her yesterday.

‘Have we missed your birthday?’ Ask I.

‘Nooo!’ She says, ‘It’s for nothing.’

‘Really?’

‘Well, he is away at the moment - on holiday.’

‘How long for?’

‘Two days!’ She giggles, going just a light shade of pink, while everyone else in the office swoons.  

‘You do realise,’ I continue, ‘that all the other boyfriends of women in this office now officially hate your boyfriend?’

Sayonara El Papa

I just caught the beginning of a news story about today being the Pope's last day and I heard the words, '...the mood was festive. Nun and monks were gathered...'

And it just made me smile - I've never associated 'nuns and monks' and 'festive'.

But then maybe my stereotypes are just all sorts of wrong...?

Flying

I had a very busy time last night. I dreamt I went to the moon - twice - and  on one trip my father also came. I was about to go on a third trip but my head gear was a bit faulty. It was a relatively easy trip and lots of fun. There's a lot to be said for no gravity. 

And then I did a massive skydive somewhere in the States - the view was stunning - as I recall, it was from a very high altitude.

Busy, busy, busy.

I wonder how the dream people would interpret that?

That I should stop eating cheese at night?

I know this is cruel...

..particularly if you live in the Northern Hemisphere but, I (sort of) hate to be a Little Miss Gloaty Pants, our cracking good summer just keeps on giving. 

I hate to jinx it but, bite me, this weather is stunning.

Dogs Versus Cats

Sweet mother of God, I nearly choked when I watched this.

Happy Friday.

It's Awkward Family Photo Time

And as another glorious summer's day come to a close I think it only appropriate that I bring you some pictures courtesy of Awkward Family Photo and the eighties. 

I mean, who could resist this shot that I shall call Brothers? I'm picking Youngest inherited Oldest's braces. I'm also quite fond of the hand-me-down haircuts. 

 Do you reckon these guys are off to an Adams Family party?

 And I know I'm a bit late for the Valentine's Day party, but just to celebrate what an absolute croc of commercialism I think the day is....here we go.

I mean, there's nothing that says 'I love you' like a cross bow.

Wise Words

Vehicle Inspectors - the guys who look at cars that have been in serious car accidents. Here is some advice I heard from of one of them recently:

'Only ever have unsecured stuff in your car that you'd be happy with me throwing at your head. Cause when shit happens, that's what coming at you.'

I'm taking that advice and running with it.

How to appreciate your morning in forty seconds...

My sister sent me this.

It made me laugh.

The end.

Sports You Don't Want Your Children to Play

I have no idea who came up with this sport, but I reckon they should be up for a Darwin Award.

The best shots are at the end. 

Call me crazy, but I don't reckon whoever came up with the design of snowmobiles actually considered how well they'd do in the stunt snowmobile section of the X Games, when they were designing them.

Could be wrong, though.

Envious? Moi?

My 15 year old niece is currently on a five week exchange in Salt Lake City.

It suddenly occurred to me this morning that Sundance, the Holy Grail of indie film festivals, is on at the moment.

I emailed her and asked about it, very excited.

She replied:

'Oh yeah, it's in Park City. I might be going to it...but I'm not sure because it's either that or skiing!'

Meanwhile, down the bottom of the world, her aunt reaches for the heavy foundation to camouflage the greenish hue of her skin.

To Lance

A friend posted this on Facebook:

A new word in the English Lexicon - "Lance": verb. To vehemently maintain a lie even in the face of insurmountable evidence for as long as possible, then finally admit it in a way that makes you look like a martyr - To Lance or to pull a Lance. Teenagers are very good at this. eg. 
Me: Son, have you tidied your room?
Son: Yup
Me: Have you really?
Son: Yes! Oh My God, you never believe me!
Me: Quit Lancing, I can see it's still a complete mess!
Son: Okay, I'm sorry. You don't know what it's like being me!

And while we're indulging in the fun new sport that is Lancebashing, I'll share a photo from Brother-in-law's Facebook.

On the upside, at least he's given the rest of us loads of material to work with. 

Hello 2013!

And Happy New Year to you!  I hope you've all had a beautiful old time.

I have and, as a result, I am now suffering a hideous holiday hangover. And I'm telling you that it's nothing that takeaway Thai and a glass of hair of the dog will fix. Just currently the only thing that will fix my HH would be another holiday, and somehow that's about as likely as the cat turning into a unicorn and flying me back to the 1920s. 

While basking in holiday delights I was sure I spotted Charlize Theron lunching at the same restaurant some friends of mine and I were at. I was sitting directly opposite her. 'It's Charlize Theron!' I whispered, immediately grabbing my phone and Goggle Imaging her for proof, as my friends scoffed. 

They wouldn't have a bar of it.

And neither would I. I protested, there were all the signs: she was wearing Ray Bans throughout her meal (disguise), had diamonds the size of my head in her ears (money), American accent (I know she's South African, but still), stylishly dressed (go figure), tall (she is) and she left in a helicopter (more money).

Sadly, when I was back at my desk The Daily Mail - okay so it was the first day - told me that just currently she is looking like this.

So I guess that means I had a lunch at a restaurant where someone who looked like Charlize Theron was also at. 

Somehow it doesn't have quite the same ring to it.