Plagiarism

My brother-in-law over at Quote Unquote often does Sentence of the Day. I particularly liked this:

Noel Gallagher of Oasis on his brother Liam, whom he calls “the angriest man you’ll ever meet”:
He’s like a man with a fork in world of soup.

And I thought I'd a few sentences that I have either read or heard over the last little while that have made me smile.

Long haul bus travel being described as transport of the damned.

Being put on hold being described as the curse of modern civilisation.

Mark Broatch of the Sunday Star Times writing about Rome as a city 'where you can't bury the cat without digging up a new civilisation.' Or something like that, the article was written sometime last year, but the line has still stayed with me.

And finally, last week White Rabbit described a guy she encountered as 'scarier than a clown dressed in a tuxedo gutting kittens.'

That's all.

I'd like my parking ticket to go to the Shelter for Obese Three Legged Chihuahuas, please.

Just currently I've got $132 of traffic fines to pay. While some people got chocolate eggs at Easter, I was lucky enough to get a $120 Easter speeding ticket.

And then last week I got a $12 parking ticket. Which I kinda deserved, as I had left my car in the same spot all day in the hope that the Parking Cowboys were patrolling another part of town. Apparently not.

Anyway, I'm not too bummed about that cause I haven't had a parking ticket for a couple of years and if you add up to the amount of free parking I've had I still reckon I'm up for the day.

Now I've come up with an idea that would take away most of the pain of paying fines.

Ching! Ching! Ching!

Could you all put down your toys and please pay attention?

Everyone listening?

Holemaster! Get the magnet away from Tinman!

Right, here we go.

How would you feel about paying fines if the money went to the charity of your choice, instead of your money going back into some massive faceless system, 'Now, madam that'll be $120, now what charity would you like your money to go to?'

'Child cancer thanks. And why don't we just round it up to $200?'

Under this system I reckon you'd find the $450 million that is currently owed in this country in overdue fines would be swiftly cleared up.

Wouldn't you feel so much better about getting a speeding/parking ticket? Kind of smug (towards the person who is writing you the ticket because you no longer resent them) and philanthropic, all a the same time.

Possibly best I'm not running the country.

If you take two of the red pills and one of the blue ones....

I've always thought that if I got to redesign humans I think I would add wings.

But then if I had to hand my wings back in due to being rubbish at landing, I think my second choice would be paws or furry feet.

What would you choose ?

Move over swine flu, the sea lion is set for world domination!

Shucks, ain't it cute?

Apparently not, especially when s/he's playing chicken with the traffic.

This sea lion has made Bluff's Marine Parade his home for the last month and the residents of really sick of him terrorising the 'hood.

They've tried to get rid of him off the road in a number of ways, including the Bluff Fisherman's Store Station Manager Meri Leask giving him the full wrath of her garden hose at 7.30 a.m, in her dressing gown.

But s/he isn't keen to be moved on as apparently sea lions are territorial and once they form an attachment to a place they tend to come back, so the locals my have get used to s/he becoming part of the furniture.

I've done a few stories with sea lions in my time, they can be scary fuckers when they come lumbering towards you with their great big fangs and breath so bad that it reaches you a good week before the sea lions does.

I pointed their appalling state of their personal hygiene out to the local Department of Conservation guy who said, 'You'd smell the same if you just lay around and ate fish all day.'

But at least I'd floss.

Ten bucks says Ozzy Osborne lives till he's about 90.

Shazzer Osborne has been on the blower to BB2 Radio 2 and told them that Ozzy was stoned for the entire series of The Osbornes that was filmed between 2002 and 2005.

Each day he would have a pipe at the end of day and chase it up with a case of beer.
Ozzy admits that prescription drugs were part of the whole cocktail and that he wouldn't have been able to tell you what time of the day any of the shows were filmed.

Who woulda thought?

I will just have to move to a more sophisticated level of corruption.

I was talking to my sister last night and she said, ' I've just got to coax the five year old out from under her sister's bed so she can go and brush her teeth. Perhaps you'd like to have a go.'

The phone was handed under the bed.

'Hey gorgeous girl, now do you know why you have to brush your teeth?'

'No.'

'They're really tired and they need to go to sleep. And brushing them is like putting their pajamas on.'

Silence.
.
.
.
.
'But teeth don't have pajamas.' (Literal translation:you're a fool).

Sigh.Guess that's my bullshitting-my-nieces days well and truly numbered.

Swine flu: the pin up disease of the 21st Century.(And I promise this is the last one about the sniffly pig).

So the World Health Organisation has come out saying that we must all pull together re: (formally known as) swine flu as all of humanity is effected.

So far, 149 people have died from swine flu.

Yet, this year alone, starvation has killed around about 15 million.

Shouldn't we be feeling just a little bit sheepish?