The I'm-Ignoring-the-Research New Year's Resolution List

I know it's a bit late for new year's resolutions and all that but, as I was ironing today's dress for work (I wrote the bit about the ironing cause it impresses me to read it), I was thinking, imagine if someone turned the world upside down, and all the bad stuff became good and good stuff became bad?

Self improvement meant becoming unhealthier? Crime became a well respected career?

In light of this, here we go with a new year's resolution list with these new goals in mind.

1. Must start smoking.

2. Must be only be able to do ten push ups by year's end (five would be preferable).

3. Must start shop lifting.

And, in the giving-to-others resolution:

4. Get in touch with Charlie Sheen's agent and see if he's available for motivational tour to primary schools. Donate proceeds to Lindsay Lohan.

I'll stop there because I don't want to be over ambitious.....butI think I've just created a new year's resolution list that Homer Simpson would be proud of.

Anyone care to add?

*Throws iron in rubbish bin*

Phone Conversation Overheard in the Office Today.

'Mum?!! What's an Iphone?!!'

And welcome to the cut and paste post.

Yesterday at work I got an email, with some pearlers in it. They include:

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns


Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.

Sincerely, The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginga kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous


Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada


Dear Voldemort ,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson


Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...

Sincerely, Google


Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP


Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985


Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack


Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle


Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God


Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio



Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mula


Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast


Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

Oh, they made me chuckle, I think my favourite is Canada's note.

But do you know how much self restraint it took to not claim those as my own ? My only problem is that I am such a rubbish liar, the moment I utter a lie I immediately have to fess up. It's possibly I good thing I don't have a career in crime.

You know I had to go there...

People of Walmart.

I just couldn't resist. But just a couple as I'm dashing out the door.

Hmmm, don't know about you, but I'm thinking there's something missing here.

As for the next one, please tell me that isn't what I think it is and we're all looking at a flesh coloured money belt.
Now, I'm dashing out the door just to get away from those images.

The last six weeks of swings and roundabouts.

Things you don't want to hear:

Two days before Christmas from Jason the Chinese Mechanic:

'KATE! (capitals because he shouts)YOUR REAR BACK WINDOW MECHANISM REALLY BROKEN. IT'S GOING TO COST $500 TO FIX, PARTS ALONE. WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?'

On Christmas Eve, from your tenants:

'...and so we'll be moving out in three weeks.'

From your doctor.

'Sorry to tell you but your rib is cracked, you're about six weeks away from no pain.'

Things you do want to hear:

From the guy in the Vodafone shop after your Iphone is performing more like a heater than a phone:

'We can send it away, it won't cost you if you're within your warranty...let's check out when you bought it.....(inserts details into computer).....and you're within your warranty - by a day!'

From the guy in the Vodafone store three days later:

'Hi, just ringing to let you know your phone is back and fixed....oh no..... replaced.'

Sometimes the universe takes away, and then it gives it back. (Or, sometimes I am unlucky and sometimes I am a jammy bastard).

Awkward Family Photo makes me Happy.

And here we go with the first installment for 2011 from the glorious people at Awkward Family Photo.

Stop the bus, check out the denim. And the logic behind it has got me stumped. Maybe they just didn't have matching tops ? They're launching a new clothing line called 'Nude' and its catch phrase is 'The whole family can wear it'.

As for this one, all I can think of is, 'Flowers in the Attic called, they want their characters back'.
*Backs gently out of the room*.

It's the simple pleasures...

...like the perfect avocado.

When I play my 'What three foods would you take to a deserted island?' game, these are always in the first four on my list (see? I already can't play the game).

I played this game with a friend of mine recently and I was expecting a good few minutes of him torturing himself over what foods would or wouldn't make his list.

Without missing a beat he came right back with:

'Beer and nuts.'