MEMO

FROM: GOD

TO:EARTH

RE: EPIC FAIL

______________________________________________

Dear Earth,

For crying out loud, would you lot please stop fighting and just start to get along ?

Yes, I am looking at you India, but I am also looking at you Thailand, please don't think you can hide behind India. And don't think I don't know what the rest of you are up to - I'm God, remember?

Honestly, you lot drive me to distraction, I create you a lovely place to live in with a wonderful climate (admittedly the Ice Age was a little dull, but I'd been drinking) and what do you all do?

You immediately set about killing each other and systematically destroying the planet! And you've been doing it for centuries. I could have tolerated a couple of hundred years of bad behaviour, but this is ridiculous.

Have any of you lot heard of the word gratitude?

You're all behaving like a bunch of thoroughly spoilt little upstarts, and I've had enough of it.

If you lot do not get your shit together you will force me to instigate a solar system war, nothing like a little intergalactic warfare to make you work together as a team.

You have been warned.

Love,

God.
I am God, do not fuck with me.

P.S Do you like my tag line? Catchy, isn't it? J. Walter Thompson doesn't sit round doing nothing in heaven, you know.

A compliment.

The other morning I was walking to work and a woman, who was coming in the opposite direction (and definitely on a mission to get somewhere), said hello and complimented me on my dress.

Now this dress is a floral summer number, made out of the type material that my brother Sunshine would remark, 'Been flogging Great Aunt Beryl's cushions again, then?' It's retro design, made in France and possibly makes me look like I'm off to church in the fifties. And I absolutely love it, one of those dresses that puts a wee spring in my step.

Anyway, I thanked the woman for her compliment and continued on my walk to work.

But here's the thing.

She was wearing boots that were a little shinier and a little longer than these.

She had teamed them with teensy tiny wee shorts. I can't remember what top she was wearing, but her makeup had seen better days and she looked in desperate need of sleep and the cigarette she was smoking.

But it was kind of like the obese guy saying, 'Can I have four burgers, six scoops of chips and a diet coke?' Bad analogy, I know - but you get the picture ( I am poorly attempting to draw).

Regardless, I 've never had a compliment from a hooker before. I'm taking that and running with it.

A simple solution.

I was watching breakfast news yesterday and one of the presenters was announcing one of those stories that you always hear at the this time of year (along with 'how to not put on forty kilos at Christmas time), 'And coming up we have tips how to survive the office Christmas party.'

Call me crazy, but I thought it was quite simple, 'Don't get banjaxed and make a twat of yourself.'


Or, 'Don't get banjaxed if a jolly good banjaxing is likely to make you make a twat of yourself.'

And the silly shirt award goes to....

So John Key has had his first outing as PM at APEC in Lima Peru. So APEC, Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation is an annual get together of the heads of 21 Pacific Rim countries and over the course of a couple of days they natter about the state of the world, how they'd like to redecorate and all those pressing global issues.

Each year it's hosted by a different country and when it's your country's turn there is a whole lot of brouhaha involved. It's a bit like having the flashest relies over, the house gets tidied to within an inch of it's life and all the mess is hidden away in bottom drawers and jammed into wardrobes.

But being the shallow ditz that I am, I reckon that the most outstanding thing about APEC is when, on the final day, the country's traditional costumes are handed out for all the leaders to wear. Here's a wee sample.

This is what Chile pulled out in 2004.

The Australians dressed the leaders in drizabones and Akubra hats. Here are they sans hat. And I read a caption that accompanied this photo, 'APEC leaders get expensive raincoats while Asia Pacific people get screwed by climate change.'

And here is a shot of George in Vietnam looking like he's wondering why he's wearing Laura's dressing gown.

And I am particularly fond of men in bows, as was Korea's choice of costume in 2005.This year Peru gave out tan ponchos. Apparently, according to Kevin Rudd, they are very good at hiding guns.
And this is just so you can see just how fetching John Key looked in his poncho.

I have no idea why he is already talking about selling it off for charity.

Things you really shouldn't do....

....forget that your bench is actually a bench when you are standing on it cleaning fly shit off the wall.

Excess luggage

Air New Zealand have recently brought in new luggage regulations; first bag is free (we are talking up to twenty-five kg), second bag is $15, third is $ 50, forth and fifth are $150. Which means if you travel with a lot of gear - you are going to be FULLY SCREWED by excess luggage charges.

I am sure this won't really make the slightest bit of difference to those who regularly travel with five suitcases jammed full of designer outfits. However for those poor clods like me who (for work) travel with, oh, about a pajillion different pieces of luggage, budgets are going to be seriously slammed by these charges.

Gone are the days when the nice Air New Zealand lady would assign your excess luggage kilos to other passengers who had already checked in.

I have always advocated that they should make the travellers jump on the scales along with their luggage and just allocate an overall amount of kilos your person and your luggage combined can be. (Obviously I only say this because I am a short arse and know where I could be saving myself some money).

And then I read here that the Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada.

Which raised a lot of questions in my tiny brain. They included:

So if you're a fattie you can fly for free but if you're a workie, you can't?Could someone please explain the logic?

Would it be possible to hide excess luggage under an enormous frock and then waddle on board?

If obese people get two seats, do they get the extra meal?

What are the wider ramifications of this ruling? I.e does that mean alcoholics get an extra crack at the bar service?

Has this ruling just opened a whole can of whoopass?

Introducing...

So New Zealand's new prime minister got sworn in on Wednesday. That's him there with his wife, Bronagh and his two children- Max and his fifteen-year-old-daughter Stephie. It has to be said that, (based on a brief wide shot in a news story) in a sea of clothes and people that sort of collectively yawned, 'meh' Stephie stood out like an obsessive compulsive on an ashram.

(She's wearing Karen Walker, by the way).

I admire him for not saying, 'For god's sake, if you ever want me to be taken seriously as the leader of this country, lose the bat and the glasses.' Or maybe he did, and she ignored him.

Regardless, I admire her for her spunk and I like her style. That's a fifteen-year-old with 'tude.