If she looks like a hippo, then I'm a giraffe.

A friend of mine at work is pregnant. She looks fantastic and dresses really well to her pregnancy.

She, however, does not think so.

'Oh, I look like a hippo!' (She doesn't).

'No you don't', says I, 'I think you look fantastic. I can't decide whether you look more like a Sellotape dispenser or a snail'.

She laughed and squealed simultaneously, but I reckon if she had a Sellotape dispenser within reach, she would have hurled it at me.

For some reason she didn't see my compliment in my compliment.

Misconception

This morning, while I was waiting at TVNZ for a meeting, a man with incredibly dark skin came in and sat down, also waiting to be collected from someone on the other side of the revolving doors. I'll replay you the conversation that I had with my multiple selves in my head.

'Wow, that skin of his is really black. I wonder where he comes from.'

'Don't stare.'

'I wonder who has the darkest skin on the planet.'

'Somewhere really, really, really hot.'

'Must Google it.'

'You're a weirdo.'

'But that skin is so black...it's almost green.'

'Don't stare.'

'But really, his skin is so dark he's almost licorice coloured.'

At that point his person was came to pick him up - I learnt from what she said to one of the receptionists that he was going to be a guest on Good Morning. For those of you not in New Zealand - Good Morning is a morning lifestyle magazine show.

Anyhou after my meeting I went back to work and had a look to see who was a guest on Good Morning this morning. And I found my friend.(At this point I'm thinking dancer? Singer?)

I discover his name is Lucky Diamond Rich and I am delighted to inform you that I wasn't wrong. The reason he looks licorice is because he's The World's Most Tattooed Man and he's here for a tattoo convention.

You'll be pleased to hear that he didn't look that scary in the flesh. Black track suits aren't that intimidating. I have to say the metal teeth were a bit of a surprise.

But the thing that struck me is that, although he's spent thousands of hours having art work inked onto his body, he no longer looks tattooed - he just looks coloured in.

Flour is Fun.

You may have already seen this. It got sent to me at work on Tuesday and it's cracked me up since then.

I had never realised the potential of a bag of flour. This is what happens when a three and one year old get their mits on a bag of flour when their mother isn't watching.



Move over bread, biscuits and cakes. Flour now has a new purpose.

A Little Bit of Kiwi Makes the Muppets.

Let me count the ways I love The Muppets. And how cool is it that one of our own, Bret McKenzie, is getting to jam with Kermit for the latest movie?

He wrote some songs for the movie and, along the way, discovered there were some strict rules he had to follow. At one point he wrote a lyrical joke for Kermit where he would sing, 'I remember when I was just a little piece of felt'. I smiled when I read that line but it didn't fly with Disney because the Muppets have always existed. (And you have to admit, Kermit's aged well).

When people say who they'd invite to their ideal dinner party - (Shakespeare, the Queen, Brad Pitt, Joan of Arc..) I generally have to think of which member of the Muppets cast I wouldn't want at the table.

Miss Piggy would either be a hoot or a nightmare. My cousin met Miss Piggy once when she was visiting England- she was in ten different boxes lying in her boss's hallway.

But that's Miss Piggy to a T, isn't it? Even in bits, she's still a diva.

You know iPads have overtaken the world when...

...you go to the hairdresser and you get handed an iPad instead of a pile of glossy magazines.

Animals Being Dicks.

I got sent this yesterday and, because it's been a while since I've posted stupid animal videos, I have absolutely no problem in posting this.

I think my favourites are Mime Cat and Crafty Sea Lion.

I'm also rather partial to the kangaroo.

I don't think I've ever said that last sentence before. Please don't judge me.

Expanding Vocab.

Yesterday I learnt a new word.

It's a police slang term for a dog on the motorway.

A quadestrian.

Quadestrian, I like you, you are now a fully signed up member of my vocabulary.

Ben Stiller is a Planker

Since I've recently been doing a bit of work for Mr.M.Mouse, I've become familiar with the cartoon Phineas and Ferb. Not exactly being Disney's target audience, I had no prior knowledge of this cartoon however, when I told friends who are in possession of small people, they all started cackling away telling me how good they thought it was.

And they were right. It follows a triangle headed boy (of course), Phineas, and his English stepbrother Ferb on summer holiday. There's an annoying sister, a baddie (the evil Dr Heinz Doofenshirmtz), oh and a playpus. Cause what cartoon is complete unless there's a platypus, right?

The cartoon got me about two minutes in, with a ballgowninator - a gun that shoots ballgowns onto its targets. It was especially funny when teenage boys were targets.

Anyhou, I've just seen they've now got their own talk show. Take Two with Phineas and Ferb. Their first guest, Ben Stiller.

I have to say, the planking was a high point for me.

This post will have absolutely no meaning to those of you who don't live in New Zealand.

I've noticed that there are an awful lot of silver Subarus in Auckland with number plates beginning with 'F'.

I pointed this out to a friend yesterday ('You really are crackers, aren't you?') and I'm pleased to say that I went on to enjoy vindication when I was able to point out three silver Subarus to him with number plates starting with 'F'.

Crackers I may be, but I am also correct.

**UPDATE**

After I posted this blog I texted my brother, Sunshine, because it suddenly occurred to me that they have recently purchased a silver Subaru.

'Random question: what does the Subaru's number plate start with?'

'FTK. Why?'

Boo-yeah! And another to prove my theory!

Ad Brilliance to Share

Every once in a while an ad comes along that you think is gold. And this is one of them.

It's a drink driving ad, paid for by NZTA and they decided that they weren't going to go for the shock tactic on this one.

So you heard the guy, don't go internalising really complicated situations.