Wednesday, June 30, 2010

No shit, Sherlock!

TVNZ were leading with a story on last night's news about how one of their crew were shocked to come under fire while filming in Afghanistan.

Ya what ?

You're shocked to come under fire while while filming, alongside the army, in a country that's considered to be the fifth most dangerous country in the world?

I'm sorry, but what did you expect ? Flowers ?

Next, 'And leading tonight's news, it's raining in Auckland!'

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Note to Self.

If you go to the video store, do a sneaky illegal ten minute park that results in getting clamped, your video will cost you $88.00.

Just saying.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I reckon Columbus would be jealous.

My brother, Sunshine, sent me this Simplified World Map today. Have a wee read. I was particularly fond of 'Shitty Music and Bears' and I'm also liking 'Drugs and Supermodels' .

Hell, who am I kidding ? I love the whole map, just wish I was funny enough to dream it up myself.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Houston we have a... "lot of snow"

I thought I should lift my game after Homepaddock's lovely words on the wireless about this site yesterday.

So this morning I was started to rattle the rocks around in my head trying to come up with something to post, but then I checked my inbox and found an email from The Australian Office. It turned out I wasn't going to have to doing any thinking at all, she'd done it all for me.

She's been, as she puts it, 'Casting loonies for ridiculous shows'. I read that and, like a four year old eating chocolate cake, the smile started to slowly smear itself across my face.

They've been asking contestant wannabes a host of questions and, well, they're not looking for anyone who would be capable of working out how to split the atom.However I think some of the answers they've got are simply genius.

Here's a wee sample of what she's heard/read.

Finish the phrase:
Curiosity killed the... "possum"
Behind every great man is a... "great wall"
Houston we have a... "lot of snow"
The early bird catches the... "first train"

Who painted Van
Gogh's Sunflowers? "Um, Jesus?"
Who painted the Mona Lisa? "Mona Lisa did. It's a self-portrait."
What is a female deer called? "A she dear. But I think it's pronounced

And you know what the best thing is? She's got a whole lot more of these pearlers to send my way.

You can't wait, can you ?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


So there I was sitting at work this afternoon when I got a text from my cousin, 'They're talking about your blog on National Radio.'

I texted back, (taking eloquence to a new height, as only I can do) 'WHAT?!!!'

She came back with 'YES!'

Then a text from another friend, 'Painting cupboard doors and I have just heard your blog being reviewed on Nat Programme! Fan-bloody-tastic!'

It was at that point I began to believe my cousin was hearing correctly, and that she wasn't trapped in a new-baby-I'm-so-tired-I've-become-delusional world as I initially suspected, and investigated further.

It was Ele Ludemann, uber blogger Homepaddock, saying lovely things about this blog, (and you fab commenters) the whole bloody country!

Thank you Ele, you're very kind, I've had a smile on my dial and a wee spring in my step all afternoon.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Thankfully most things have already been invented.

Imagine this.

You've found yourself on earth, before the time most things have been invented. So we're talking about a world void of things like the internet, cars, hybrid fruit, weapons of mass destruction and cake.

You've got a couple of basics like fire and the wheel. Maybe even electricity if you got all whiney about it.

What would you invent?

Me, I think it would be hot water bottles. Possibly even baths. And I'd dream of showers, but I know the only way I'd be able to make them happen would be if I was also magic.

And even though I'd like to think I'd invent the umbrella, I am confident my hard drive would need a lot more gigs to pull that puppy off.

What would you invent ?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Fun things to do.

1.Leave the office for lunch at 12.30 p.m for lunch with your team.

2. Return to office at 5.00 p.m.

Highly recommended.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Best blog comment ever.

'I don't care what ever you write in the future I can't see you topping that.'

I can't claim it as my own or as a comment left on one of my posts (I am not capable of producing anything worthy of such high praise), but twas a comment left over at Brother-in-law's after he did a post about the latest Metro magazine. It involves the line, 'IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT, FUCK OFF'.

Head on over, it's worth a read.

Sigh, he's now going to become impossibly smug and gloaty.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Soccer World Cup

One question.

What is with the trumpets ? Are they trying to make it sound like The Traffic Jam World Cup?

Sunday, June 13, 2010


I have just been working with a guy who worked on one of those shows that involved ambulances, car accidents, paramedics and lots of blood.

I mentally going into the foetal position imagining the horrors he would have seen during this stint of work.

'Yeah', he said dryly, 'always wear your seat belt and drive a European car.'

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The blue waistcoat is a dead give away.

Since I haven't been sharing anything from Awkward Family Photo, I thought this post was timely.

I have just one question.

Could someone please explain this photo ?

The only thing I can think up was that he was abandoned by his parents and adopted by rabbits.

And was really sick of not quite fitting in.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Sex and the City and me.

So I went and saw Sex and the City in the weekend.

It was a disaster on many levels.

I went with one of my oldest friends and she bought us tickets to Sky City Gold Class. Disaster number one. It was my first Gold Class experience but effectively I've just flown business class and I'm now ruined for any lesser cinematic experience. Massive reclining chairs? Red buttons that you push that means someone comes and takes your order for another glass of champagne? You get the picture. I'm ruined.

While I fully expected the movie to be rubbish, I was looking forward to having a good wee fix of fashion. While I was right on the first front and I got it so very wrong on the second.

Carrie took smug, conceited I-have-everthing-but-will-throw-a-tanty-when-I-get-given-a-flatscreen-television-instead-of-a-piece-of-jewellery to new levels. What she needed was a jolly good bitch slap chased up by a stint in Darfur with a humanitarian organisation to appreciate life.

And if you've ever suspected that Fashion is actually a very black character with an ironic sense of humour, dedicated to seeing just how stupid she can make us look, then this is the film to prove that theory.

Exhibit A.

(Rihanna is not in the movie, however this is only picture I can find of that red dress.)

And Exhibit B.
And I'm sorry, but I don't think genie pants look good - even in the desert.

I'm also looking at you as well, orange leggings.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Honduras, I'm sure you've got it in you. Somewhere.

We had the office sweepstake for the World Cup.

I got Honduras.

At first I stomped around the office saying grumpily, 'Honduras? Honduras? Do I get Spain? Italy? Germany ?Brazil ?No! I get Hon-fucking-duras. That's possibly the worst $2.50 I have spent all year.'

I banged on about that until I read that the former national team coach Jos "Chelato" de la Paz Herrera is saying that if they get nailed before they begin and suffer a three-and-out performance he reckons it's going to be 'dangerous' and a' great blow to the spirit of Honduras.' But that if they make it to the second round it will 'fix a lot of things in the country'.

It appears the country's a bit broken (a coup has never been known for doing great things for national pride and spirit), and now I really want them to get to the second round.

And not just because of my $2.50.

Go Honduras!Go Honduras!Go Honduras!

Knock yourselves out. (And look on the bright side, even if you lose, just be pleased you're not part of the Italian team whose parting words from Mussolini before the final match of the 1938 World Cup were, 'Win or die.' No pressure.)

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

But please don't go changing.

So we're up to day two of June.

In Auckland yesterday it was 18 degrees. Today it was 17.

I have one thing to say to that.

Auckland, if this is what you call Winter, you should be ashamed.