Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Cause it's one of those things that, today, made me really pleased that I am me (and not the poor fucker in the car).
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
As she is the queen, when she asks, she gets.
In order to answer her question, the British Academy piled a whole lot of rocket scientists into a room, shut the door and refused to let anyone* out until they had hammered out an appropriate response.
*I made that part of that sentence up. I am sure they were allowed out to go to the dunny or to phone a friend.
My cousin sent me their excuse.
I particularly like this sentence:
Among the authorities charged with managing these risks, there were difficulties too. Some say that their job should have been 'to take away the punch bowl when the party was in full swing.'
And if you want to know (in a nutshell) why no one saw the credit clusterfuck coming, here's what they say:
So in summary, Your Majesty, the failure to foresee the timing, extent and severity of the crisis and to head it off, while it had many causes, was principally a failure of the collective imagination of many bright people, both in this country and internationally, to understand the risks to the system as a whole.
And then, almost as if to sound like they're sorry, they sign off by saying:
We have the honour, to remain, Madam,
Your Majesty's most humble and obedient servants.
Blerrgh, sucky, suck, suck.
So anyway, bright people, it's all your fault. Go shut yourselves in the wardrobe and don't come out till you're ready to apologise and behave nicely.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A. In the office the heat pump is at 23 degrees (and if I had my way, I would crank it to 30).
B. So far this morning I have had two coffees.
C. A man in a full chicken suit - with a briefcase - has just walked down the road.
D.I can't wait for winter to finish.
The answer is B. I have only had one coffee so far.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Meet the Dot Family who make you just want to take the eighties and give them a great big hug.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
1. Count how many keys you have on your key ring.
2. Now count the keys you use on a regular (i.e daily) basis.
3. Count the number of keys you have no idea what they unlock.
And I wonder why I continue to carry around inordinate amounts of shit in my handbag.
Now could someone out-key me and please make my key collection look not so ridiculous?
And last question of my Saturday quiz is, could someone also please explain how come something as little as a key has the power to monumentally screw your day ?
Friday, July 24, 2009
Behold a brand spanking new Airbus 340-600 which, until recently, was sitting in a hangar in Toulouse, France without an hour on the clock. (There was a photo of the exterior of the plane but blogger won't let me publish it).
Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Unfortunately, it appears these fellas hadn't read run-up manuals and they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really was.
There is an actual blow by blow account of what happens next, but I'll cut to the chase.
They kind of totalled it. Oh yeah.
I think the technical term for this is 'a bad day at the office.'
Apparently the extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere as coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.
Anyone else heard of this story, or have I just been royally had?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Today's list has a smattering of the above and a question.
Do we need a helicopter?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
This must have filled my mother with joy as she realised her daughter was showing tendencies of becoming an obese drug taker from a very tender age. Obviously she would have been comforted in the fact that 'obese drug taker' was a contradiction in terms.
But anyway, that was my desired menu for the rest of my life as a six year old - what would have been yours?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Behold Fancy Fast Food, the site where bad food gets a make over that seriously messes with your head.
Exhibit A. Wendy's Napoleon.
A gateaux type affair drizzled with a caramel sauce with chocolate sprinklings?
Cue record scratch.
That,apparently, delicious looking dessert is made from these ingredients.
Here is the recipe. ( I really wouldn't recommend reading it if you like food).
Wendy’s Napoleon (Fancy Baconator Combo) by Adrian Fiorino of Insanewiches.com
1 Wendy’s Baconator:
1 large fries
1 small Coke
1 bottle of water
2 little cups (or packets) of ketchup
12 sugar packets
Disassemble the burger. The cheese may not separate from the meat, but that’s okay. Place the bun in a food processor with 2 tbsp of water and pulse until it resembles couscous. Set aside. Do the same with the fries until it becomes a paste.Chop the burgers (cheese and all) into pieces with a knife. Place in the processer and pulse until they look like pate.To create the Napoleon, cut the french container so the top is level. Pack alternating layers of the minced meat, the mashed potato paste, and the bun-turned-"couscous" into the container until it is full. Invert over a plate and wiggle until it is loose.For the spun sugar garnish, empty twelve packets of sugar into a heavy bottom saucepan with 1/4 cup of water over medium heat. While stirring, cook mixture until it is a deep brown color (10-15 minutes). Remove from heat and allow to sit 1 min. Over foil, gently flick the sugar back and forth to create a strand-like design.To make the sauce, put 1/2 cup of Coke and the ketchup into a pan over medium heat. Reduce for five minutes.Next, crisp up the bacon in a pan for two minutes over medium heat before chopping it into little pieces.To assemble, gently separate sugar garnish from foil and stick it in the top of the Napoleon. Pour sauce around the Napoleon and then form 4 little piles of bacon around the edges of the plate.Pour some of the remaining Coke in a wine glass, and there it is: a Fancy Baconator Combo that you might think is waaaay better than the original!
Sorry about that.
I have a pot plant handy if you're feeling a bit vomity.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
When mopping the floor, it is best not to step backwards into the corner, pokey-outie, sharp bit of the bench - with reasonable force.
Especially on to the bit where you've had a back operation.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
First day in the office Numbers, the accounts guy,walks in to the new space.
'Wow, someone is going to change their behaviour aren't they?'
'What do you mean?'
'Well, now there are other people here, you're going to have to act like an adult.'
'Considering this morning a remote control car came careering around the corner, screeched to a halt in front of my desk, with a note on the windscreen that said, "GET FUCKED!", I don't think that's going to have to be anytime soon.'
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I think this guy's name is Trevin, which is kind of perfect.
They've started adding awkward family stories and this one really made me squirm,
'For Christmas my mom's entire side of the family gets together. One Christmas when the family was exchanging gifts, my great aunt came over to thank me for the ornament I gave her. She said thank you then took a second look at me and my cousin sitting next to me and told us we’d make a cute couple. No one really knew what to say.'
How about 'Put away the banjo Auntie Nora.'
Monday, July 13, 2009
I've only just discovered this and, with over eight million views, I am picking I am late to this party.
If you haven't seen it and you want to see balance turned into an art form - check out Danny Macaskill.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Unfortunately, he tried to do it when the tide was sort of on its way out. You'll be relieved to hear the boat was refloated at high tide.
Unlike (as the Daily Mail points out) the owner's pride.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Monday, July 06, 2009
Off with her head! I hear you say- which is possibly something MI6 would have entertained if it weren't for the minor detail that she is Lady Sawers.
Needless to say Lady Sawers no longer has a Facebook page.
I applaud her, together she and Facebook have managed to turn the British Secret Intelligence Service into an oxymoron.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
While you're sitting at your computer toiling with either:copy, numbers, a snarky boss/employee or ignoring your wee darlings, spare a thought for my friend. This is how she spent time earning a crust earlier in the week.
"My 'career' has reached a new low.Just spent the morning pulling 'the bird' at the Prime Minister. Outside a school for deaf children. Wouldn't have minded if it was funny. It wasn't. My parents will be so proud..."
(She's stopped updating her Facebook page with what she's been doing as people were beginning to think that her world and the real world were two entirely different things.)
It went on to talk about Paradise Syndrome - a new(unofficial) disorder that befalls those poor feckers who have everything - except happiness (Desperate Housewives - oh but, that's right, they're not real). The article goes on to say that Paradise Syndrome may explain the obsession for cosmetic surgery. And this is the part that really got me.
'In the United States some commentators are labelling the booming cosmetic surgery a national epidemic. Driven by economic greed and insecure clients it has become the wild frontier of human excess.
In her tell-all tome Beauty Junkies:Inside Our $15 Billion Obsession With Cosmetic Surgery, Alex Kuczynski, herself a 10-year nip-and-tuck junkie, lifts the skin-fold on the mad quest for perfect.
Her account of the compulsive activities of one Hollywood housewife fleshes out the scale of the obsession. The woman's routine entailed two trips to the hairdresser each week, a once-a-week facial and full-body waxing, regular tanning sessions, manicures plus teeth cleaning (what? you can't do it yourself ?)and whitening. Body and face were caked in expensive creams made from caviar, 24-carat gold, human growth hormone or wild yam extract.
Tennis, pilates and a personal trainer kept her body toned. She average three sessions a year under the plastic surgeon's knife as well as injections with Gore-Tex (I thought you wore that to keep the rain out?) Botox and Artecoll. She has had liposuction and a series of breast augmentations.
She is, says Kuczynski, considered pretty normal amongst her peers.'
Even with an unlimited supply of cash I could only be arsed to doing ten percent of that woman's routine. And all laziness aside, I wouldn't want to do most of that stuff to my body and it sure-as-shit wouldn't make me happy.
Call me a hillbilly, but in my world it's just more evidence to prove the theory that the higher we evolve, the more stupid we seem to become.