Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Just when you thought the internet was out of surprises...

Regular readers of this blog will know how much delight I get out of sites like Awkward Family Photo and People of Walmart.

Knowing this bordering-on obsession of these sites, an old friend of mine alerted me to this post that tells me there is a site dedicated to 'inappropriately toned discussions of various unfortunate persons' social networking profile pictures, Slavic style'.

Oh joy.

I particularly like the way the writer describes some internet surfers as internet-trash-scouring-philistines.

Yup, you got me in one.

Anyhou, because I'm shallow and flippant, accompany me while I go take the piss out of people I don't know.

If I'm not mistaken, there is either some serious rug wallpaper going on there or this is from a scene dropped from Inception.

Don't know about you, but I suspect Vavara from Moscow has been drinking.
This really does bring new meaning to, 'taking the piss'.
Apparently Svetlana is 25.

And now, for my finale. I think we potentially we have a match made in heaven.
I think we've found Mr Slasher's perfect mate.
And let me just remind you of one thing before you judge me harshly. These shots are from these peoples' social networking pages. They've posted them, knowing that the internet is not an exclusive members-only club.

Love from your friendly internet-trash-scouring-philistine.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Garfield, eat your heart out.


Could someone please explain ?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

When Crocodylidae turn cute.

Yesterday I went to my six year old niece's ballet recital.

Apparently, they had been practicing for weeks and she was very excited/nervous about it. They were performing an adaptation of Peter Pan in front of an audience of over four hundred.

'What is your role?' I asked, when I arrived.

'A cwrocodile.'

Now, I know you're thinking that is the equivalent of being a tree but, I'll have you know, she was a sensational cwrocodile.

And she stood head and shoulders above the other seventeen cwrocodiles.

(That is a complete lie, they all looked exactly the same. The only way we could pick her was cause she was the shortest and was grinning like a loon).

Our cwrocodile was on stage for about two minutes.

The recital went for about two hours.

And it was worth every second.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Photoshop:tricking people since 1990.

Since I got completely sucked in by photoshop in my post below (due to being eternally optimistic, naive and not that bright), I would like to ask all you photoshop trainspotters whether the photos below are photoshopped or not.

(Okay, you're not trainspotters, just smarter than me).

The story goes that in a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, the cubs were born prematurely and died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger started to decline in health, and the veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.After checking with many other zoos across the country, they found that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother.

(I would like to point out at this stage that there appears to be no consideration for the other mother tiger who they were intending on taking them from, anyhou back to the story).

The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. They rustled up a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger.

And here is the proof.

This email was sent round our office and, while everyone else was cooing with delight, I was saying, 'I bet there's one really pissed off mother pig out there as well as a rather cold tiger.'

My other thought was that they'd just gone further down the food chain, found some cats and wrapped them in pig skin and given those to the mother pig.

Anyway, you photoshop experts, is the wool being pulled over our eyes yet again ?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

One of these things is not like the other one.

My fabulous 82 year old uncle sent me this piece of advice...'When you are in deep shit, look straight ahead, keep your mouth shut and say nothing'.

Accompanied by this photo.

I'm picking that fox just won the fox equivalent of Lotto.

And I'm giving the photo the benefit of the doubt and I'm refusing to admit that I may have been outsmarted by Photoshop.

*Closes her eyes, puts fingers in her ears and starts chanting 'Mary had a little lamb' over and over again.*

Monday, August 16, 2010

The New Yorker

I was working yesterday and one of the guys told me about a cartoon in The New Yorker that he'd recently read. It was of a guy who had been pulled over by a cop. Underneath was written, 'I wasn't texting Officer, I was building a ship in a bottle.'

I laughed like a drain.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wise advice.

Last night I was having a glass of wine with a colleague and we were discussing two other colleagues who have recently both been viciously bitch slapped by Life.

'At the end of the day,' she said pragmatically as she stubbed out a cigarette, 'we're all dying. We've just got to make sure we do some really cool shit before we do.'

I think I may get that etched in stone.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I shall never complain about the size of my garage again.

An old friend of mine sent me this..

I have no clue what this man is saying, but I think he is sensational.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Because I'm now obsessed with....

...Awkward Family Pet Photo, I simply cannot resist from inflicting these on you. (Don't fret, it's not as bad as pinky in post below).

The word for today is beige.


And don't you like the art direction in this shot ? The hydrangeas, the picket fence...
When I first saw this photo, I thought the rabbits were guinea pigs (well, guinea pigs with large ears) and my brain immediately took me back to horror of the time I encountered 85 of them.

Oh no, I have successfully creeped myself out.

Have they invented brain colonics yet?

Friday, August 06, 2010

Oh sweet mother of god....

....look what Fat Sparrow (she's not posting regularly right now, she's busy) has shown me.

If you spend a bit of time here, you'll know I waste a lot of time over at Awkward Family Photos, however I've now discovered a whole new world. I'd like to welcome you to the spooky world that is Awkward Family Pet Photos.

I just want to say to that puppy, 'Just because your owners (and I want to emphasize, owners) really want to be reindeer, doesn't mean you have to share their dream. Oh and, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!'

The family that gets strangled together....
Sorry about posting that one.The horror. And, yes, your arse does look big in that.
The woman wants to know who the dog's hairdresser is.
And finally one that I just don't get. I mean, the first thing that springs to mind is, 'First you must catch the cat...'

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Thank you, Countess.

Countess Interrupted (This is all about me! Don't like it... piss off!) has given me a Cherry on Top Award. Which is very kind of her.

Protocol dictates that I tell you three things about me. So in no particular order, here we go...

*I'm good at throwing. But if you spend every morning for eight years throwing stones into the nearby dam while waiting for the school bus, competing against your sister, your brother and the three neighbourhood boys - there really is no excuse.

* When I was trying to get my first job in television, I was living in Australia. I had to send the producer ten story ideas from the newspaper for a children's show. I hadn't watched the show (granted, not my sharpest move) but sent in my ten story ideas and, in due course, got the rejection call, 'I think you're more suited to current affairs', he said.

Now, I really wanted that job. So I immediately sat down (still without watching the show) got ten more story ideas out of the paper and sent them to him with a letter saying, 'I think you're being a xenophobic, narrow-minded worry wart who is showing his age, so I'm giving you another chance.' I attached balloons to my application and couriered my second application over to him.

I got the job.

*I am outrageously bad at booking flights. But that possibly doesn't surprise you, especially those who know me.

And now there has to be a photo... sorry, couldn't decide...

I have a thing for the thing for beaches and the moon.

And finally, I must play it forward, so here we go:

Tagged, you're it !

Sunday, August 01, 2010

A great yarn....as long as you're not in the least bit involved.

I've been sitting on this story for some weeks now. You may have already heard it, as no doubt it's urban mythed its way around the world (and is now a feature film starring Danny DeVito and Michael Douglas).

I think it's funny as hell, but that's only because I'm not remotely involved in any way with any one associated with the tale - it's a two degrees of separation number for me.However it appears Karma has a sense of humour and it has come back to bite me on the arse, but more of that later.
The main guy, let's call him Officer Bob ( Michael Douglas) was at work and he got a call from his Down's syndrome brother, 'I've caught a troll ! I've caught a troll!' His younger brother excitedly told him.

Now Officer Bob didn't believe his brother, but during the course of the morning he got a few more of these calls. His brother is a big guy and he lives on his own. So when Officer Bob was out cruising the streets he thought he should just swing by just to check everything was okay.

He went in to his brother's house and he heard a banging sound.

His brother rushed to him excitedly and exclaimed, 'I've caught a troll! I've been feeding it chocolate biscuits !Look!'

Officer Bob followed the banging sound to a wardrobe. He opened the door.....and inside was.....a dwarf.

I would imagine - by this stage - a somewhat angry dwarf (Danny DeVito). I'm sorry, but chocolate biscuits or no chocolate biscuits, a wardrobe's no place to be - especially when you've been put there against your will.

But I love this story, I think it's the naive delighted innocence of the Down's guy.

Yeah I know, not so much fun for the dwarf.

And I'd really like to say that's where the story ends.

But, oh no, there's more.

Anyway, I've told this story to two groups of friends and both, totally independently of each other, have pointed to me at the end of the story and squealed with delight, 'Troll!' Then fell about in peals of laughter.

And then taken off on a tsunami of troll jokes, all featuring me. 'Do trolls have opposable thumbs?' Yup, my friends are a riot.

My cousin's husband immediately reached for his phone and renamed me 'Troll' - having said that, I was already in there under Swampbeast. The love.

And then I got a text from my cousin last week:

'Father to daughter. Who put that toothpaste on the blind?'

Minikate (7): 'Trollkate, or Princesstrollkate. What do we call her?'

Sigh. Two words, fully and screwed.