Tuesday, December 23, 2008

....and a baby bogan in a lowered car.

Okay kids, that's it from me, I'm outta here for a while.

Packing my bags, climbing on a plane and going to hang with my family, eat delicious food, attempt to drink my body weight in wine, laugh till my belly hurts, and then will head to an East Coast beach to drink up summer.

I hope you all have great Christmases and New Years and I will be back to torture you with beach photos soon. (Sorry all you people who are trapped in winter, but I'm nasty like that).

Oh and the title of this post? It had been my intention to do my own version of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', I got as far as
'On the first day of Christ-mas the whitetrashneighbours gave to me
A baby bo-gan in a lowered car.'

But then I got bored and stopped .

If I wasn't such an underachiever I would makeself finish it off, but we all know I'm far too lazy for that type of carry on.


P.S If you're really bored, you could always try this. It is the reason our office sounded like a farmyard yesterday. I am delighted to inform you that I am currently top of the table with a score 0.1882 and hold the status of rocketing rabbit.

My, did I crow about that.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The horror, the horror....

Wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh
wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh





Sunday, December 21, 2008

A problem shared is a problem halved.

I've got a song stuck in my head.

Firmly lodged.

This happened to Tinman the other day and he suggested that any song could be cured with 'I Will Walk Five Hundred Miles', I've tried that, but it doesn't appear to be budging.

This song has tunnelled its way deep deep into the centre of my mind and my brain is gaily playing it on high rotate.....and slowly torturing me to death.

Last week it was Prince's 'Alphabet Street' which I kind of enjoyed for the first twenty-seven times.

But not this song. I cannot stand this song. I hate the words of this song. I hate everything about this song.

If this song does not evaporate from my brain soon I'm scared I shall turn into a homicidal maniac.

Just one problem with that - I have a feeling, 'Beyonce made me do it' won't pack a whole lot of punch as far as my defence case would go.

See? She's getting to small girls as well.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I could say this would be the last time I do this, but I would be lying.

I know my mother and my big sister will most probably place a fatwa on me and start setting fire to my Christmas presents for doing this again, but I just couldn't resist-I think this photo is great.
I reckon it looks like my sister is saying, 'Pull my finger'.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I have a small brain, therefore I get small kicks out of small things.

I was having a flick through one of those fancy schmancy lifestyle magazines this morning and in the foodie section I saw a recipe for 'Chilled Cucumber Soup' and it was billed as an 'elegant dish'.


How on earth can you associate 'elegant' with 'chilled cucumber soup'?

All it conjured up was images of something with the consistency of wet tissues that had been soaked in cream and chicken stock. Gakety-gak.

I would be filing chilled cumcumber soup under Menus For People You Don't Ever Want to Accept Another Invitation For Dinner.

And on that note and just because I'm little Miss Gloaty Pants and have worked out how to post video, (I know I am so 2003) here is another ad I like.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Just call me Julia Child. Actually no don't. That would be too huge an insult to Julia.

It's no secret that I'm somewhat of a slug in the kitchen. I build food and I marinate stuff but there's no flour or egg and milk action in my kitchen. Unless of course we're talking about lightly dusting vegies in flour until they're roasted to within an inch of their life. Or unless my mate and her man-the-antiques-dealer are whipping up some whitebait patties, in which case the question I generally get asked is, 'Exactly how old is that flour and have any small creatures recently bought up real estate there?'

I can slap up a meal and my guests will say lots of nice things, however the more cynical of my friends will be mumbling quietly 'Yeah, just don't invite yourself around for dinner next week, cause you might find that you will be feasting on exactly the same menu.'

Despite having a very limited cooking repertoire I am going to share a recipe that is bit like the Christmas decorations - it gets pulled out and dusted off each year. I know I've already shared it with many of you, but I know there's new people visiting who won't have read about it before and besides, I'm lazy like that.

This one is an absolute winner. It's so simple it's almost criminal. It's a Richard Till creation design and he reckons it used to pay the rent in his restaurant.

Salmon Hash Browns.

You will need:
Frozen supermarket hash browns
Cream cheese
Salmon - either smoked or hot smoked or left over salmon from Christmas day
Oil and vinegar dressing which you have also hiffed some seedy mustard, fresh mint and chopped garlic into.

You will need to:
Cook the hash browns (either in the oven or the toaster). Now here's the trick - make sure they go from being soggy and light brown and get to the crispy and darker brown stage. (The one in the picture could be crispier, but it's a personal thing).
Smear over some cream cheese.
Plonk and amount of salmon on top.
Plonk a caper or two on top of that.
Drizzle over your dressing.

If you like salmon, this is to die for. Bite me, it's good.

There is something decadently luxurious about the textures.

For the last few years I have been a bit of a hobo over the Christmas/New Year period visiting friends and family scattered around various beaches, and whenever I have whipped up these I have generally had my stay extended.

I think the most satisfying time I ever had them was two years ago. A team of friends from university had gathered for New Year, and after a lengthy night of channelling our inner rock star (and not enough sleep) we eventually tucked into these late on New Year's day morning. They were sensationally perfect.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It's a big ad.

Blee! The luddite can upload video! Who-hoo! Call a public holiday!

Yes, a little overexcited.

Anyway, this ad hasn't played here, I discovered it yesterday and I think it's fab.

It looks like it could have been filmed in New Zealand.

Apparently there wouldn't have been a whole lot of change out of one and a half mill, so you'd be hoping it shifted some beer.

Show me the curveball.

I was watching Sky News this morning and I heard that Muntadar al-Zeidi, the guy who hiffed his size tens at Bush is still being held for 'questioning'.

Hmmm, call me crazy, but wouldn't they have run out of questions by now?

What make were the shoes?
What size were the shoes?
Where were the shoes made?
That was quite some throw, are you in a cricket or baseball team?
If you were aware that the President's reaction was going to be quite that swift, would have you aimed a little lower?
Were those the shoes you were wearing, or did you bring an extra pair?
In your opinion were size tens the most size appropriate shoes to hurl, i.e did you calculate the speed weight velocity of that shoe ?
Were you pleased with the result?

And having asked thoses questions I would have thought, 'Right, sick of shoes, what's for lunch?' and promptly wound the session up.

Oh hang on, is he being held for questioning or questioning ?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sometimes it's really cool fun being a human.

The Scene.

My cousin, her husband and their two small people's house.

The Characters.

My cousin's husband (MCH) and one of their cats, Angus ( the mental one whose been on Prozac due to trying to lick all his fur off).

The Dialogue.

Angus: Meow! Meooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!

MCH: Go away!

Angus: Meowwwwwwwwwww. Reowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

MCH: You've been fed, stop being so needy, please go away!

Angus: Meow, meow, meow.



Stand off.

A few minutes later.

MCH leans forward, put his hands up so Angus can see them. Wiggles his thumbs in circles.

MCH: Hey look Angus! Opposable thumbs.

MCH: Na ni na ni na naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I've got opposable thumbs, you haven't. Heh! Observe.

MCH picks up remote, changes channel. Sits back in chair, very pleased with himself.

Cat skulks from room.

Humans: 1
Felines: 0

Friday, December 12, 2008

Therapy, I need it.

The last few days have included: eight-five guinea pigs, two cheetah (without a wire fence in between us), thirty-five rats and a guy who (if you hacked of his left arm) was a dead ringer for Alfred from Robin's Nest.

So if you'll just excuse me, I'm off to join the circus.

But not before I go swimming with the seals.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

WARNING:SOME REPEATED MATERIAL AHEAD. (Just think of this blog like a radio station, due to a limited number of songs-some tunes are on high rotate).

I have talked before about how my father is a gadget guy. Oh how he loves his gadgets. My mother on the other hand, does not.

When they were brand new state-of-the-art technology, the video recorder came home when my mother claims she didn't give him a long enough list for the supermarket. When the microwave came home, she stamped her foot and said, 'If you've bought a bloody microwave, I'm going to China!' When the breadmaker came home, she refused to lay a hand on it and he, the man who I don't think knew where the kitchen actually was, began a long career in making bread. Two breadmakers later he is still going strong. There was the first espresso machine, which was chased up by the second espresso machine, and let's not forget the coffee grinder. There's the paper shredder, ('Pop, you do realise you're not the president?'), oh and, the GPS.

His latest gadget however, rates as my favourite. A scanner that scans slides.

That's my mother holding my older sister. (My sister is a bit bigger now).
I am really digging that dress.
I am really digging that scanner.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


It guts me that I am a complete luddite and that I can't manage to correctly upload videos without my computer whimpering pathetically, 'Oh, I've got a headache' and explaining away its behaviour with a meek, 'Error on page' message. WHICH I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Well, pah! I can still post links.

Anyway, here's an ad that I am going to share with you. I think it's fab and it cracks me up every time I watch it.

Not sure what that says about me, but hey, go have a watch.

Where would we be without the interweb?

Hee. Someone in Perth googled 'how to get fly shit off the wall' and ended up here. Unfortunately this site would only be useful to someone who was googling, 'how to get fly shit off the wall and not break your neck while doing so.'

Monday, December 08, 2008

*Accepts there are exceptions to this rule*

In the papers over the weekend there were the big appliance stores offering deals like, 'No deposit for items over $699 and no interest for thirty months!'

Call me crazy but shouldn't they be saying, 'Hey!Buy stuff you can't afford and don't pay for it for two and half years - when you really can't afford it- and it's most probably broken anyway. I know it's a little bit mean of us but, hey, we need to move stock and we love that we can exploit the fact that you're a possibly a little bit short sighted and that you're overwhelmed by consumerism. We don't care that when you actually end up paying for it, it is most probably going to have to come out of your weekly grocery budget, because you couldn't afford it in the first place.

I know we claim we're helping you but actually, we're not. We're just helping us because as far as we're concerned we just see Christmas as a massive opportunity to convince people to buy stuff they don't need, and that just means profit, glorious profit.'

Don't you just love the festive spirit?

Saturday, December 06, 2008

From the vaguely bizarre files...

I was standing at the lights today when, out of nowhere, a child came screaming up on his skateboard and stopped within centimetres of me.

I got a bit of a fright thinking, 'Shit, that child nearly took me out. Well stopped, over confident speed freak.'

Then I took a closer look.

It wasn't a child.

It was a dwarf.

Holding a leprechaun outfit.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Sometimes my lack of logic delivers me an almighty bitchslap.

Morning then, it's very early.

There's a reason the for that. My toe hurts. It woke me up.


Let me explain.

It is a fair to say that I have not been born the most logical person on the planet. It's almost as if, when God was wiring me up, the two logic wires were put in the wrong plugs.

Oh hang on, I don't think I can let God take the blame on that one, that sucker is all mine. 'Oh, I know it says that, technically, turquoise should go into turquoise, but it's going to be so much prettier if I put turquoise into the red one. Shag the instruction manual.'

Needless to say, I have been paying for my colour co-ordination mix-up ever since.

A little bit of evidence :

When I was a little girl I distinctly remember asking my mother why the left indicator on cars indicated that you were turning left. I thought that it should have been the other way round, when you indicated left, you should turn right.

Having said that, I wouldn't have used 'left' or 'right' in that question - I cannot tell my left from my right. I have a mole on my index finger of my left hand but unfortunately, when it totally disappears, I shall be fully screwed. Oh and don't give me any of that 'Put your hand up and make see if it makes an "L"', cause it just doesn't work.

I am quite fond of not putting dishes away where they are supposed to live. Don't ask me why, but sometimes I just like to mix it up. It's a bit like giving pots and pans a little bit of a holiday. I used to get phone calls from my ex-boyfriend, 'Kate, I can't find my big frying pan, could you give me any clues here?'

'I climbed up on the bench and put it in the very top cupboard.'

'Of course you did.'

Because I make telly, I have to deliver paper edits to an editor. Most people deliver them on a nice printout with lots of nice numbers beside neatly printed instructions. I have tortured myself in an attempt to create them like everyone else, however I have finally given up and accepted that I am just not made like that. The editors I work with are faced with decipthering these...(That's seven minutes of telly, by the way).

When I go to bed, instead of doing what normal people do and starting by turning the television off, then the lights etc etc, I like to do it backwards. I turn all my lights off, stumble through the room, locate the remote, turn the telly off last and then carefully make my way out of the room (in the dark)to the bathroom. I don't know why I do it, it's just some stupid little routine I enjoy. At least I until last night.

Cause here's the thing . And it's a really hard thing.

And when you kick it at speed, first with your toe, and then your with your knee - it becomes a really really hard thing.

The chair ended up half way across the kitchen floor and I ended up in small heap writhing in agony, clutching my toe IN THE DARK CAUSE SOME FUCKING IMBECILE INSISTS ON TURNING THE LIGHTS OUT BEFORE SHE TURNS OUT THE OTHER APPLIANCES IN THE HOUSE, CAUSE IT'S SOME CUTE LITTLE GAME SHE LIKES TO PLAY.

Honestly, when I get my hands on her, I am going to wring her illogical little neck.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Hard day at the office.

So I thought my day was vaguely strange when I was having a perfectly normal conversation with a grown woman who was dressed as a cat standing outside the supermarket.

However, the fifty something female Buddhist with flowing robes and shaven head was way out of left field.

She was kinda cool, though.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

So do you think he mugged him?

Tis one of my oldest friends in the world birthday today. I rang her and she told me that six months ago she had seen some gorgeous earrings that she absolutely loved. She had shown them to her husband and, deciding she would treat herself, went back to the shop the following week to make them her own.

But when she got there she discovered that they had already been bought.

'Ohhhhhh! They've been bought by my delightful husband, haven't they?' She squealed, all excited like.

'Well', said the sales person, 'if your husband is a short Indian man then, yes, they have.'

As her husband is tall and English, she didn't go home expecting to be surprised by him bearing a small, expensive gift in the near future.

You can imagine her delight when she unwrapped said earrings first thing this morning.

Oh, how I love stories like that.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Phone call.

'Hi Kate, how are you with rats?'
'Well, there's this woman who has forty pet rats.....'

Sometimes my job really scares me.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Christmas shopping

Talking to my father the other night and I asked what The Fruitcake (my mother) was up to.
'Oh, she's on the Internet looking at where she's wanting to travel to next.'
'Where's she looking?'

So I know it's technically not the correct '-istan', but guess whose getting Borat for Christmas?