Susan Jelly-Lips de la Renta. That's his name.

I wasn't going to blog about about this cause I thought it was just going to make us out to be a bunch of hillbillies down here, but then I realised that maybe the people I am about to talk about are just purely ahead of their time. These people have actually started a fashion wave so tsunami-like that rock and film stars are now just having babies so they can keep up with the fashion.

(Sometimes I am so full of shit, it stuns me.)

Today class, we're talking about names.

Nicole and Keith have now got Sunday Roast, I mean Rose. Chris and Gwyneth looked to the fruit bowl and the bible for inspiration with Apple and Moses, and I think Paula and Sir Bob were possibly inspired by some quality Class A's when they came up with Fifi Trixibelle and then chased it up with Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa (which is okay if you're a fairy, but won't get you taken too seriously in the boardroom).

I think Paula is going to have to put her hand up as being responsible for the names as, of course, we can't forget Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. (I don't know, maybe Paula was angling for Madonna to write a children's fairytale starring her children?)

Anyway those kids can take solace - at least they didn't get called Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii.

Last week a family court judge in New Zealand was so disturbed by that name that he ordered her to be placed temporarily under court guardianship so a suitable name could be chosen. (I am wondering if any of the Geldof-Yates offspring would have wished for a similar fate?)

What interests me though, is the names that were not allowed to be registered with the Births Deaths and Marriages outfit (I am assuming these are all names people attempted to register) - Fish and Chips, Mower, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit.

I am supposing these people can't claim that they're family names. I did have a friend at school whose middle name was Glendinning Glory. Apparently it was an old family name - we delighted in her name and called her Firstname Goitre Glands Lastname.

Apparently the names that did slip through the registration process were Spiral Cicada, Kaos, Hitler and Cinderella Beauty Blossom (poor child most probably lives in perpetual fear of turning into a pumpkin.)

And I am pretty sure I am not lying when I say there are some twins out there that go by Benson and Hedges.

I am pleased I ended up with Kate. 'Are you Katherine?' I get asked alot.

'No, my mother knew I wouldn't be able to spell it until I was about fourteen, so she decided she would keep it simple.'

I have a friend whose middle names are Charles and Frederick, and his first name is four syllables. When his wife first discovered his full name her reaction was, 'What? Did his parents think he was going to be king?'

Anyway, even though Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii has now been officially booted out of the Ridiculous Name Club, her parents' initial choice makes me feel vaguely better about naming my first cat (aged about six) Chippies Murphy Hokey-Pokey Flickey-Tail Patches Tiger Jane Lastname.

No wonder she ran away.