During the winter I am very clean - because I tend to have a lot of baths.
I figure, aside from crawling into the oven or ironing myself, it's the quickest way of warming up without inflicting lasting personal damage.
Last night was particularly cold, and I felt like I had been shivering all day, so when I got home I started to run the bath. As I walked out of my bathroom the thought occurred to me that I hadn't overflowed a bath since I was a child.
And just like a goldfish, I immediately forgot that thought and headed to my computer.
A period of time later it occurred to me that I should check my bath.
You know what's coming next, don't you?
'Fuck! Fuck ! Fuck! Fuck!'
(I remain convinced the neighbours must think I have Tourettes. If they ever put their ear up to the wall, they would only ever hear 'You fucking moron', or 'you fucking idiot' or a steam of 'fucks'.)
My brain process that followed went something like this.
Must stop water.
Turn taps off.
Must stop water streaming over side.
Must pull plug out.
Will get wet arm.
Must take jersey off.
Take jersey off, wrench plug out.
Must stop water from heading out door to carpet.
Carpet is expensive.
FUCK! MUST STOP WATER FROM HEADING OUT DOOR TO CARPET.
Towels! Need towels!
There is one in front of you.
Little voice, momentary hesitation, 'But it's clean.'
USE THE CLEAN TOWEL!!! MORON!!!YOUR LOGIC IS RETARDED.
You get the picture.
Sometimes I think it would be a lot safer for all concerned (me and my house) if, when I was cold, I just went for a brisk walk to warm up from the inside out.
I did this the other night. It was freezing, a blustery howling gale and I thought the key to heating up would be a bracing sixty minute walk. (Some days I just merely lack logic, others I deeply lack logic).
Anyway, I rugged up and headed out. It was so cold that for the first twenty minutes I contemplated turning around and dashing home. You know when you get so cold that your face hurts?
After I broke the twenty minute barrier I started to enjoy myself. On the way back I passed an older looking man and he grinned at me with an 'Aren't we idiots out walking in this weather?' look on his face.
And then overhead I could hear a helicopter, it was dark and he asked, 'Can you see the helicopter? I need to know if it's the Westpac Rescue Helicopter.'
It came out from behind a cloud and revealed itself as the Westpac Rescue chopper.
'It's coming in hell of a quickly,' he said and then looked at me, 'I'd better get home because I think I'm about to get a phone call.'
It was one of those moments that makes you realise that some people have really important jobs. He was off to go and make someone live, and I was going off to make myself dinner. And on that occasion, not overflow the bath.