Hide the knives.

This week my work has just massively imploded and, as a result, stress levels - particularly mine - have skyrocketed.

I'm not one of those people who gets shoutie when it gets stressful, I just keep my head down, try and manage the problem and get us through it with the least amount of casualties. But at the end of the day, the problem lies at my feet, so my world has become quite intense.

The situation has not been lost on my production assistant who, yesterday, asked me how I was going.

'I want to stab myself.'

'Would that be with a blunt or a sharp knife?'

'Sharp.'

'Is that worse than a blunt? Cause I reckon a blunt would hurt more.'

'Sharp is more life threatening.'

'So when you only want to stab yourself with a banana, things are getting better?'

'I am looking forward to the day when I want stab myself with a banana.'

Sometime around August.

Is it just me....

..or are there other people looking forward to the wireless age ?

At the risk of stirring old broth...

..what did the zero say to the eight?

'Nice belt.'

I'm sorry, but I am a simple fool and I'm not ashamed to admit that that type of joke cracks me up.

Morning talk.

Yesterday there was a pussy cat in our office.

His name was Donald.

That's all.

Must book tickets immediately. Or not.

I just saw a big billboard that proudly announced:

Auckland Gluten Free Food and Allergy Show 29- 30 May 2010.

I'm sorry, but could they make it sound any more unappealing ?

I suppose it doesn't help that I think 'gluten free' is a euphemism for 'tastes like shit'.

I am so lucky I am not gluten intolerant, otherwise I'd be taking the piss out of myself all day long.

Soon I shall start claiming these one liners as my own.

I have talked about a woman in our office who I would rather follow around with a pen and paper and write down her one liners instead of mundanely carrying out my job, like everyone else in the office.

A couple of pearlers that have recently come out of her mouth.

On the cigarette price hike:

'You think, what's it going to be: cat food/cigarettes, cat food/cigarettes, cat food/cigarettes,cat food/cigarettes? Fuck it, I 'll smoke the cat.'

To a woman who dresses incredibly stylishly:

'Hey Coco Chanel, you'll know - where can I get some decent shoes?'

On the phone to a man who had been a bit down on himself:

'Oh get off the cross would ya? We need the wood!'

And on that note, me and my notebook are off to work.

'

Yoga, the after dinner mint of exercise - until you try it..

Recently one of my oldest friends has started dragging me off to yoga.

Which has shown me just how inflexible I am and made me wonder how on earth can anyone can ever fall asleep during it?

Anyway, before I went for the first time I was imagining that the yoga teacher would be someone who looked like she lived on mung bean milk shakes and would radiate smug good health.

And don't get me wrong, it wasn't that she didn't.

It was just I wasn't prepared for her to have quite obviously spent some quality time with her plastic surgeon.

I'm thinking our yoga teacher is an oxymoron.

If that is at all possible.