After Saturday's post (see below) I got this email from the Australian Office. She just wanted to clear a few things up, so I encourage you to read her email.
Very happy to be the Australian Office, but may need to charge you a small fee!
However, I feel I'm being unfairly pigeon-holed on the whole 'swims with sharks', 'swears at PM' category, without any recognition of my full talents and experience.
I've had lots of important work-related tasks, such as the
*Whole morning spent lying in a coffin in 'dead' make-up whilst a grown man 'corpse' is repeatedly thrown on top of me (to illustrate a money saving tip for surviving the
recession - 2 bodies per coffin).
*A entire week dedicated to in-depth research of penile-enlargement and erectile
*4 hours of 'in-bred' make-up to apply an extra eye, 2 more ears, prosthetic nose, rash, back-hump and dodgy teeth, then a further hour dancing along to a reworking of The Brady Bunch theme with lyrics about the Fritzl family - aka The Inbreddy Bunch.
*Co-ordinating a fund-raising sausage sizzle for local brothels.
*Convincing a Norwegian cabinet minister to be interviewed so that the presenter could then steal his wallet and state secrets.
*Getting 18 rockclimbers in a Smart car.
*Learning to eat M&Ms really fast with chopsticks.
*Taking a comedian to a registry office to change his name to Ghvftr Kijl.
*Organising a 'before and after' makeover in which only one side of the presenter's
body was waxed, tanned, exercised, hair-dyed, teeth-whitened and botoxed.
*Acting as guardian to a 7-year-old Indian child during a shoot in which he
pretended to hold Prince Phillip's penis whilst he peed.
*Trying to persuade a 7 foot shark to attack a life-size cardboard cut-out of violinist Andre Rieu.
*Throwing severed fingers into a teenager's hoody.
*Emerging repeatedly from a (bloody cold) sea dressed as a woman who drowned in 1973.
*Advertising slimming underwear for the under-ones.
*Organising an invasion of Liechtenstein.
I have plenty more but am running out of time.
I do have some standards though (not many) - I once refused to dress in pink Ku Klux Klan robes and dance around a burning cross during a mock lynching in aid of KKK Against Breast Cancer...
Anyway, just wanted to set the record straight...
Suddenly your job seems really boring, doesn't it?