Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Champagne and caviar, it ain't.

When I was about six I remember telling my mother that when I was a grownup all I was just going to eat was fish and chips and Throaties (licorice flavoured cough lollies which we were never allowed, but Barbara Kreegher was. She was our dealer).

This must have filled my mother with joy as she realised her daughter was showing tendencies of becoming an obese drug taker from a very tender age. Obviously she would have been comforted in the fact that 'obese drug taker' was a contradiction in terms.

But anyway, that was my desired menu for the rest of my life as a six year old - what would have been yours?

16 comments:

Medbh said...

French fries/chips.
Smothered in ketchup.
No question.

laughykate said...

My six year old self is hearing you!

Artemisia said...

Potato chips. That's it.
Today it's potato chips and cheetos.
Sad, sad child.

laughykate said...

Look on the bright side, at least your menu has grown.

Fat Sparrow said...

A Del Combo Burrito from Del Taco. Still love 'em.

And "obese drug taker" is not a contradiction in terms, just take a look at Rush Limbaugh. Or my white trash meth-head neighbors, who managed to gain weight while doing meth.

laughykate said...

Really? That's impressive. What's their secret?

Fat Sparrow said...

The burrito? Well, they start off with beans, slow cooked right there in the restaurant, fresh every day...

Oh, my neighbors? Well, they were nervous eaters. Mind you, the guy's dead now, he moved out last year and we heard he carked it this Spring. He had managed to gain weight even with diabetes, Hepatitis C, and get this, liver flukes. How do we know about the liver flukes? Well, my husband was the handyman for our complex, so it was him that rehabbed their filthy place when they moved out. Seems that their toilet hadn't been working correctly for some time, and when my husband took it out, out of the trap came these really weird looking things. He had no idea what they were, so he took a video of them to show to me, and then promptly dumped a ton of powdered bleach cleanser on them, as he was well grossed out. Me, having dissected them in Lab, immediately recognized them as flukes. Looked it up on the Interwebs, just to confirm, and sure enough, liver flukes, the kind of thing that people in Third World countries get. Seems that because the toilet didn't flush properly, when he shat out the eggs they stayed in the trap, then hatched. Nice.

Of course that means his wife probably has them, too. She works as an maid at a local hospital, which is pretty rich, as their house was so incredibly gross. They left a bed behind, and it had dog feces in it between the mattress and the headboard. How in the hell did the dog even manage to lay a loaf back there?!

Oh, the stories I could tell about my neighbors...

So, did you still want some fish and chips?

laughykate said...

Errrrgh errrrgh errrrgh errrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

*reaches for the pot plant*

Fat Sparrow said...

Don't bogart that joint, my friend.

Pass it on over, and I will keep you entertained. Damn, I should get a blog or something.

laughykate said...

Damn, you should! Call it The Neighbours.

tinman18 said...

It would have been chips and baked beans.

And would still be chips, but I'm not as fond of beans anymore.

Grow Up said...

Melted cheese on toast with baked beans on top. My favourite to this day. I mean, I like more sophisticated fare, it's just not beans on cheese on toast. See?

laughykate said...

Chips seem to be a running theme here. Baked beans is what I would imagine they would serve in Hell for breakfast.

laughykate said...

Oh missed you there, Grow Up. You mentioned the bean word. I'm eyeing up the pot plant again.

Demure Lemur said...

Hello there. Long time reader, first time commenter. I've been catching up on my blog reading duties this morning, and was surprised to land on this post as it's exactly what my lover and I were talking about over breakfast.

I would have existed entirely on Stinger bars (which we were never allowed), Cola Hubba Bubba (any form of gum was also banned), and Cadburys Moros (with which I'm still minorly obsessed). Oh, and I would never have eaten the crusts on anything ever again. My one and only dream was to grow up to work in Mackens, the local grocery shop, because I was convinced that I'd have unlimited access to all the tooth-rotting delectables behind the counter.

If you'd told my six year old self that by the time I could buy all the chocolate and penny sweets I could possibly eat, I'd be more interested in olives, oysters, stuffed vine leaves and sushi, I'd have laughed my grubby little head off. Funny how life works.

laughykate said...

Why hello Demure Lemur! Oh that's quite beautiful. I think in my six year old version of Hell they would have served sushi, olives and (the horror) oysters.

Funny how dying taste buds can get them shifted to the Heaven menu.