Sometimes my lack of logic delivers me an almighty bitchslap.

Morning then, it's very early.

There's a reason the for that. My toe hurts. It woke me up.

Sigh.

Let me explain.

It is a fair to say that I have not been born the most logical person on the planet. It's almost as if, when God was wiring me up, the two logic wires were put in the wrong plugs.

Oh hang on, I don't think I can let God take the blame on that one, that sucker is all mine. 'Oh, I know it says that, technically, turquoise should go into turquoise, but it's going to be so much prettier if I put turquoise into the red one. Shag the instruction manual.'

Needless to say, I have been paying for my colour co-ordination mix-up ever since.

A little bit of evidence :

When I was a little girl I distinctly remember asking my mother why the left indicator on cars indicated that you were turning left. I thought that it should have been the other way round, when you indicated left, you should turn right.

Having said that, I wouldn't have used 'left' or 'right' in that question - I cannot tell my left from my right. I have a mole on my index finger of my left hand but unfortunately, when it totally disappears, I shall be fully screwed. Oh and don't give me any of that 'Put your hand up and make see if it makes an "L"', cause it just doesn't work.

I am quite fond of not putting dishes away where they are supposed to live. Don't ask me why, but sometimes I just like to mix it up. It's a bit like giving pots and pans a little bit of a holiday. I used to get phone calls from my ex-boyfriend, 'Kate, I can't find my big frying pan, could you give me any clues here?'

'I climbed up on the bench and put it in the very top cupboard.'

'Of course you did.'

Because I make telly, I have to deliver paper edits to an editor. Most people deliver them on a nice printout with lots of nice numbers beside neatly printed instructions. I have tortured myself in an attempt to create them like everyone else, however I have finally given up and accepted that I am just not made like that. The editors I work with are faced with decipthering these...(That's seven minutes of telly, by the way).

When I go to bed, instead of doing what normal people do and starting by turning the television off, then the lights etc etc, I like to do it backwards. I turn all my lights off, stumble through the room, locate the remote, turn the telly off last and then carefully make my way out of the room (in the dark)to the bathroom. I don't know why I do it, it's just some stupid little routine I enjoy. At least I until last night.

Cause here's the thing . And it's a really hard thing.

And when you kick it at speed, first with your toe, and then your with your knee - it becomes a really really hard thing.

The chair ended up half way across the kitchen floor and I ended up in small heap writhing in agony, clutching my toe IN THE DARK CAUSE SOME FUCKING IMBECILE INSISTS ON TURNING THE LIGHTS OUT BEFORE SHE TURNS OUT THE OTHER APPLIANCES IN THE HOUSE, CAUSE IT'S SOME CUTE LITTLE GAME SHE LIKES TO PLAY.

Honestly, when I get my hands on her, I am going to wring her illogical little neck.