A t.v show coming to you soon....

Survivor Swine Flu I'm-a-Celebrity-Get-Me-Out-of-Here Island.

And the t-shirts could read 'I Survived Swine Flu Island.'

It's got kind of a ring to it, doncha think?

Or have I just gone a bridge too far?

Hands up who is really hoping that swine flu is the Y2K of 2009?

Question.

Mad cow disease.
Bird flu.
Swine flu.
Steve Irwin's stingray.

Does anyone get the feeling there are some species out there who are starting to show signs that they're getting really sick of humans?

Fush and chups.

A significant hangover dictated that fish and chips were recently on the menu. This meal prompted a question that I believe has a very elusive answer.

What amount is the correct amount of chips to order and to eat?

It is a tricky one to get right. Is it better to over order or to under order?

I accept that scientists (or should that be mathematicians or nutritionists) have possibly got more pressing matters to attend to rather than pouring their time and energy into coming up with a formula that calculates exactly the perfect chip-to-people ratio. But it would be quite a handy one to know.

Someone suggested that possibly two chips less than you eat?

That was then upped to be about twelve less than you eat.

Have you ever ordered just the correct amount?

Is there such a thing?

Or shall it just remain one of the World's Greatest Mysteries (along with how many surgeries has Michael Jackson really had and how come my desk always looks like a recycling truck has tipped its contents onto it, yet my house is very tidy?)

Just another day at the office.

An email from a friend of mine.

"Guess who's spending Monday morning in a tank with 9 three-metre (10-feet) long sharks and 3 stingrays the size of queen mattresses?!

Me!"

Some days I am really pleased I am me.

Padding the playground

From the colossal waste of money files.....a year-long review into aviation security has recommended a 161 million dollar security upgrade at regional airports.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

The government might as well set fire to the money.

At least it would keep people warm while it was burning.

Or, they could spend it on health.

Or education.

Or, here's an idea, the government could take that money and give to all travellers as forward compensation.

'Thank you for flying with Air New Zealand/Qantas today, and here's $20 just in case some mentaller takes the plane down.'

The one about the meme.

Holemaster ,White Rabbit and Daily Dreamer have memed me.

If you don't know what I'm talking it about, it's kind of the Internet equivalent to a chain letter.

Rules are (copy and pasted directly from Holmaster, cause I'm lazy like that or, it could be argued, I am merely energy efficient):

1) Put the link of the person who tagged you on your blog.
2) Write the rules (I don’t what they are, they must be these five points)
3) Mention 6 things or habits of no real importance about you.
4) Tag 6 persons adding their links directly.
5) Alert the persons that you tagged them.

So here we go.

1) On Tuesday I saw Ronan Keating without his shirt on. (That is so much uncooler than White Rabbit's Pete Doherty story).

2) I didn't walk until I was two, I just sat on my butt and yapped. Apparently the plunket nurse said to my mother that if I wasn't walking by my second birthday they would have to do some tests. My mother suspected I could walk if I wanted to, but that I just couldn't be arsed. Apparently she said to me, 'Darling please don't make me lie to the plunket nurse, please prove to me you can walk.' A few days later, I got up, walked two steps, plopped back down again and continued to yap.

3)About a hundred or so years ago my (insert:many greats) grandfather arrived in New Zealand, thought,'Jeez I'd murder a beer' and set about brewing some. That beer is still being brewed today.

4) I have experienced blind terror twice in my life. The first time was being followed home. It was like the movies, it ended with me sprinting into my apartment building, I took the lift, he took the stairs. I pushed levels five and eight. That lift journey seemed like the longest twenty or so seconds of my life. I got there first. I remember thinking,'So this is what true panic feels like. It is really unpleasant.'

The second time was in the Philippines, we were heading to an island from the mainland at the tail end of a tropical cyclone(in a river boat-something we discovered after the journey).Think: a cork bobbling around on the high seas. I realised my fear was justified when the locals started crying, pulling out their rosary and praying . I remember thinking, 'I haven't felt this terrified since that guy followed me home.'

It also made me think my I-want-to-go-on-holiday-where-no-other-tourists-go idea was possibly one of the more unsound ones I have had.

5) When I lived in Tokyo, I used to spend a lot of time lurking in florist shops. They were little oases of beautiful tranquility amongst the intense crazy of the city.

Now, I have to tag six people. And in no particular order here they go:

Quote Unquote And that's because it will annoy him about as much as it does when I get my neices say to ask, 'Daddy, where are you going to build the stable?'

And that's my meming dealt with (you'll notice my counting is about as advanced as my walking).

Whirlwind

The last two days have included: the words, 'I JUST NEED TO GET TO THE AIRPORT!', a fifteen hour day, a really bad fish chowder, and discovering that Boyzone were going to be in the the forth series of Father Ted - until he sort of died and inadvertently killed the series.

Question to TVNZ

The Wire, HBO's crime drama about drugs and bad guys has been frequently described by critics as the greatest television series of all time.

So why does TVNZ bury it at 12.25 a.m on a Tuesday morning?

You complain, you risk a boning knife to the throat.

I was reading in the Sunday Star Times (not the actual article I read, but it was best the SST's search engine could do for me) about chef Peter Gordon's fundraising dinner he held on Saturday night for the Leukaemia and Blood Foundation. In a nutshell, he gathered 13 of the world's best chef's who crafted four-course meals for guests and then flogged seats for $350 a head.

Can you imagine what the kitchen would have been like ?

But then, maybe I am being uncharitable and suffering from the Gordon Ramsay effect in that I now assume all chefs come with volcanic tempers and extraordinary egos?

Anyhou, the chefs prepared numbers such as five-spiced quail, pheasant breast and (wait for it) lobster porridge. I'm sorry, but can I have my porridge sans lobster and tomorrow morning when I wake up?

I haven't read anything about how the night actually went, but I would imagine it would have been a roaring success. However the thing that caught my eye in the article was that they interviewed four of the chefs on strange requests they've had from diners in their restaurants. Martin Bosley spoke of a dieting American who wanted all their vegetables in boiled mineral water and Al Brown noted the time a diner requested vegemite for his bread roll, but it was Peter Gordon who had the best story.

Donatella Versace came into his restaurant and requested a meal of steamed chicken and two pieces of bok choy. The waiter said, 'Peter was in the Versace shop and saw those really nice black pants but he doesn't the pleats and he doesn't want the sequins.'

Outstandingly played.

And yes, I'm going to do it to you again, you know it's coming and you can't stop me.

With requests like that, it's little wonder she looks like this.

And now I've most probaby made 90% percent of you lose your appetites, I shall now skip merrily off into my day.

A right royal consort.

So the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, officially becomes Britain's longest-serving handbag, I mean consort this weekend.

He's had the job for over 57 years and 70 days.

And I only have one thing to say about that.

THE.POOR.FUCKER.

Times journalist Alice Thomson followed the 87 year old round for thirteen hours in the torrential rain as he met over 800 people,unveiled three plaques, shovelled earth on a foundation stone, gave four different speeches and test drove a children's playground.

And that was just Tuesday.

Could you think of anything worse?

But then, maybe he actually deeply cares for the job. He could really enjoy the fact that he can swan around the world being as titanically unPC and thoroughly inappropriate as he likes secure in the knowledge that he's not going to get fired. Notable quotes include :

During a state visit to China in 1986, he famously told a group of British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed".

He also asked a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"

"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (during the 1981 recession)

"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting)

"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (in 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band).

"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

"People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out Windsor Castle." - said to a man who lived in a road where 11 people had been killed by wreckage from the Pan Am jumbo jet, on visit to Lockerbie in 1993.

"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" speaking to Susan Edwards, who is blind, wheelchair bound and has a guide dog.

And I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the Mrs heard him say : "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing."

But then, he could have been playing the reverse psychology card, maybe his offending of sexes, cultures and disabilities has all just been a ploy to stop him being wheeled out on high rotate around the country and the world.

Somehow I doubt it.

Just popping out to buy me a Stihl chainsaw

This is an ad.
I like it.

And if I was a lippy, cynical type I would say to all those who think it's insensitive and that it should be pulled, how about having a nice wee cup of Let's Not Take Ourselves So Seriously?

But I'm not like that, so I won't.

The ad lives to fight another day, however this may not be the case after it's been in front of the Broadcasting Standards Authority.

Please let them have a sense of humour.

Performance anxiety.

I thought when I wrote a post that included 'Peter Jackson' and 'Russian multimillionaire gangster' that my statcounter went through the roof.

However the dusty road turns into an autobahn when the Australian Daily Telegraph mentions you. (They were also taken with Google Map's stellar directions in the last post) .

You could even find reference to the story yesterday on the front page right alongside the headline, 'My Dog Ate My G-string'.

I have to say, all this attention has made me just a little self conscious.

How clean is the joint?

Have I got my slap on?

Please don't tell me I have a bad underwear situation going on.

I was once unfortunate enough to say that just a little too loudly on a plane.

We were heading up to Fiji to do a bunch of stories after the 1999 coup, we were just getting settled in our seats when I copped an eyeful of something like this -

(Apologies to whoever owns that arse, but you come up when you do a Google search in images for 'revealing g-string').

I really didn't want to see that so I thought I would share and I said in a voice that I thought was just loud enough for just the rest of the crew to hear, 'Oh, that's a rather unfortunate underwear situation going on up there.'

It was loud enough for the rest of my team hear (they didn't thank me) - and the lady herself. She turned round to see three blokes staring at her rear (I was looking sheepishly at the ground by this stage).

And she wasn't totally happy with it,which you can understand. If looks could freeze beads of sweat from ten metres, we would have been four iceblocks by the time we got to Nadi.

That's my morning talk.

As I've said before, you get the big news here.

When Google Maps go bad.

I got an email from one of my 'Stralian cousins in the weekend with 'Never trust Google Maps' in the header.

She lives in New South Wales and was planning an early morning Easter Sunday bike ride from her house to her parent's-in-laws to get there for 9 a.m. It is a decent enough schlep at around forty kilometres and, as she wanted to avoid the main highway, she thought she'd consult Google Maps to see which route the God of Google saw as the most efficient way of getting there.

Now, I suspect somebody may have been napping on the job cause here's the thing.

Google Maps managed to turn her 40 kilometre trip into a route that covered 52, 795 kilometres, a few oceans, three different countries and would have had her arriving at her parent's in-laws sometime around the middle of August!

I am attaching a selection of the directions below (I am quite fond of direction #41. 'Kayak the Pacific Ocean, 5404 km.' As she so aptly put it, 'Where in my kayak was I supposed to put my car?')

It makes my Map Quest-guided journey from Boston to Montreal that landed us an hour and a half from our actual destination seem like a good thing.

The $128 Heineken

Good Friday beer: $8
Speeding ticket on way home: $120

Cop's delight at first chance to collect revenue after a 'very boring' day: Really fucking annoying.

Today the Fruitcake is twenty-three Celcius.

Tis my mother's birthday today.

I rang her to wish her happy birthday and asked her how old she is. I am always interested in her answer as previous ones have included, 'It's my birthday, not a maths test,' and when I have informed her of her age she has responded with comments such as, 'Really? That does sound like an awful lot of numbers. Are you sure?' Or, 'Isn't that fascinating?'

This is not because she is addled of mind (although I can already hear her disputing that) but she just does not care for numbers.

Anyway, this morning's answer was, 'Oh, I don't know - older than I was yesterday? I can ask your father, he knows.'

I gave her a crystal perfume holder thingy and a little travel notebook as next month she is off to China to look at rhododendrons. As you do. Having said that, when you consider that last time she left the country it was for Timbuktu and Casablanca and that she's already booked herself on a tour to Uzbekistan next year, China is reasonably tame in the scheme of things.

Anyway, happy birthday Fruity, I hope you have a day as glorious as you are. xxx

That might be nice if you were, say, four.

I was having a glass of a wine with a friend last night who is in the country on a flying visit to organise her wedding. It is going to be at the ancestral home in the provinces.

'How are you going with the catering?' I asked, 'are you going to be able to do it locally?'

'Hmmmmm,' she said,'I asked the "best" cafe in town if they could prepare me a sample menu, which they did.'

'Oh yeah?'

'They even included their signature dish.'

'And?'

She took a sip of her wine and paused.

'Coleslaw with pineapple and marshmallows.'

Every once and a while I am reminded just how outstanding this country is, and last night was one of those times.

Now here's a way to rock christenings and maternity wards

I know that that the rest of Kevin Rudolf's lyrics are not exactly appropriate when it comes to greeting newborns but the line 'welcome to the world' just seems so thoroughly hospitable and full of celebration.

Play it loudly.

It's the naughty step for Korea

So there's Barack out there in the world, spreading the love, encouraging everyone to put away their dangerous toys and not to run with scissors.

And then along comes Korea and effectively gives the World the bird by firing a missile over Japan.

Now here's the thing, if you're going to give the World the bird, you might as well get yourselves taken seriously.

Now Korea, since you've just made a complete twat of yourselves on the world stage so GO TO YOUR ROOM, and don't come out until you can convince us you're going play nicely, sometime about 2025.

How would you feel about a man in a skirt in the Gents?

A few months ago I was walking down the road and a man on an old bicycle passed me. He had a clipped grey beard, was wearing a bike helmet and a grey jersey.

And a pink pleated skirt.

With man shoes and socks, to complete the outfit.

And, I didn't get it.

But then, I just put it down to the fact that maybe he was off to an elderly cross dressing tea party, or something. Basically, I was sure there was a reason he was dressed like he was and when he got to his tea party he was going to be regaling the punters with lines such as, 'Well you SHOULD HAVE SEEN the looks I got on my way here!'

That was until yesterday when I was sitting at my desk and out the window I saw the same guy biking along. Different skirt, but same bike, beard and possibly shoes.

And then I really really didn't get it. It wasn't like he was cross dressing, he was just in a skirt. Not a kilt, just a skirt and fusty old man-clothes.

I was really perplexed, I mean, why would you? I didn't understand it at all.

This really bugged me until it occurred to me that I don't understand why people like tamarillos, either.

When I realised that, the man in the skirt finally went away, and normal programming resumed in my brain.

And then I would appoint the Steves (Jobs and Wozniak) to invent something so we could pay for all the parties.

My parents are off to a seventieth birthday tonight.

For three hundred people.

That's not three hundred birthdays, it's one birthday and two hundred and ninety-nine friends and family (and to be honest, there's got to be a smattering of people the birthday girl really didn't want to invite, but felt obliged).

And it got me thinking, if the world was ruled by a Wizard and everyone got to rule for a day, under my watch I would say that when people turned seventy they would be allowed to throw obnoxiously large birthday parties.

Unless of course they'd spent their lives being arseholes or moaning old whinge bags, in which case I would turn them into something useful.

Like a traffic cone.

Or a hospital in a third world country.

It's all a bit Single White Female for me.

I saw caught this ad on the tele last night. It's kinda cute and it rocks along , but there's just one thing.......



IT'S A DIRECT RIP OFF OF FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS! (Who bill themselves as "Formerly New Zealand's fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo accapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo") The presenter of the ad is a dead ringer for Murray, except Murray is a ginga without the glasses.
(Warning: the clip contains the last ep of the second series,so don't watch if you don't want to know where they end up.)


I'm sorry, but if you're going to throw many many thousands of dollars at an ad agency, surely it would be to come up with an original idea?

Somehow I'm thinking that the saying 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery' doesn't quite cut the mustard here.

Thank goodness politicians have families, they makes them so much more interesting.

Ten bucks says Bristol Palin is punching the air and sending thank you flowers to Joe Biden's daughter, right now.