Busted!

Once of my Australian cousins posted this on Facebook. 

It's what she discovered in the kitchen and she accompanied the photo with the comment, 'Nothing spells guilty like the bag from a BBQ chook on one's head...'

And my comment was, 'If I can't see you, then you can't see me.'

The aliens are coming !

Today there was an article in the Herald about do-it-yourself-botox and how badly it had gone wrong for some people.

I mean what can you expect when you're injecting your lips with cooking oil?

Oh yeah.

Read the article, it's scary.

I, for one, can't begin to understand what goes through some women's minds.

There's this thing called 'training' that seems to be ignored. If you needed a mole removed, would you consider finding an online do-it-youself site ? Some people would argue it comes down to natural selection and then there's Forest Gump who would argue 'Stupid is as stupid does.'

Anyhou, the images that accompanied the article were frightening. They were lips belonging to an Australian woman who didn't want to be named, but wanted to alert other women to the dangers of online botox buying. So good on her for trying to prevent others from walking in her misguided footsteps.

I can't find the images online but, needless to say, her lips looked like rubber duckys. Take these lips.

Perform a rubber ducky enlargement......and you're beginning to get the picture.

Come to think of it, I would love to transport a fully-botoxed-facelifted-spray-tanned-semi-starved woman from 2011 and plonk them in a dinner party in 1915 and see what the reaction was.

Possibly that some had escaped from the circus.

Fascinating People.

Just to temporarily suspend subjecting you to talking animal posts, I shall share a story from my recent trip to L.A.

It was an incredibly inspiring handful of days and I got to know some really interesting people.

From a writer from Ugly Betty, to an actor from the British soap Holby City, to a couple of Kiwis who have just made their first feature film (and if I could put ten dollars on anyone's career skyrocketing, it would be on those two) right through to Neil, a writer from Noo Yoirck who had his name embroidered on his sweatshirt and tucked his napkin into the top of his shirt while he ate his boiger (he really did talk like that) for lunch.

However the best line I heard was from Mark, the Australian writer. I met him on the last day and asked if he was staying at the hotel where most people were staying.

'Nah mate, I've been staying down the road at the Travel Lodge. But I've loved it. Last night I left here pretty late, went back to my hotel and popped into the bar. I ended up having a drink with a whole lot of midget wrestlers.'

Only in America. (I think).

Walmart Fashion.

People of Walmart continues to entertain me, no end.

It's possibly because that's all my brain is capable of conjuring up for a post just currently. (Copy and paste is the fast food of blogging).

You know how reality television was born out of a writers' strike? People of Walmart and Awkward Family Photo are brought to you by me currently working a seven day week and feeling a little bit tuckered out at the end of the day.

Anyhou, it's self inflicted so I shall put the violin away. Instead! Behold these beauties.

Oh yeah. Giddy up. And below I think is her spiritual sister.
However I shall save the best till the last.

The Australian Office saw it and thought of me, bless her. And it was inspiration for this entire post.
I am without words. But I'm think I'm right when I say she's only wearing a pair of shorts.

She's only wearing a pair of shorts.

Which is okay if you're a hot bloke, or a wee ankle biter.

Otherwise it's wrong in so many ways.

Brutal.

Australian readers will already be aware of this ad.

But, as I'm currently doing a lot of work with the police, I am now getting my head around just how important these messages are.

And, boy, this one packs a punch.



Sadly, the people it should be punching may still think they're six foot ten and bullet proof. I really hope not.

This just in from The Australian Office.

Except her version was accompanied by Rod Stewart's 'I am Sailing'.

Reason #6574 why I don't want to go on a cruise.

This is normal. It could be argued. Or not.

The Australian Office hurled me some pictures from People from Walmart and, oh my, they are sensational.

Some are just too awful to post....like this one..

Oops, whatever was I thinking? One minute I was looking at it, feeling a little bit squirmy and then, poof ! Before my eyes it appears on my blog. Just like that. Wow. The Internet must be magic.

However this next picture is to die for. I love this guy.
I would be outrageously worried if it was my father but, since it's not, I can appreciate it in all it's glory. As for Ms Blue Jumpsuit...
..I am sort of at a loss for words. Except to say that, in most cases, being pigeon toed self corrects in childhood.

And finally, since I didn't want you to peak and reach your People of Walmart threshold early, I shall stop while I'm ahead with Little Miss Bunny Handbag.
The shoes look like the designer made them while trapped in a hallucinogenic bender and, as for the doll, perhaps she couldn't afford a dog ?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. People are fantastic.

Especially when they're in photos.

Beware of the killer dog.

This from one of my 'Stralian cousins. He just loves it when he gets the chance to gloat Australian superiority over me (not that he gets to do it that often, rugby anyone?)

So basically some poor fecker in Northland got shot in the butt by his dog.

(That can happen).

Mr-I-Got-Shot-In-The-Arse had been out pig hunting with a team of friends. After a successful day of slaughtering, they were all climbing into the 4wd to go home. Rover jumped into the backseat to cosy up to his mate and, apparently, had the misfortune to land on the trigger of the loaded .22 rifle.

Which promptly fired itself into said owner's arse.

Paramedics reported that the man was not bleeding too badly but was in extreme pain.

I'm picking Rover isn't going to get a Christmas present this year.

Houston we have a... "lot of snow"

I thought I should lift my game after Homepaddock's lovely words on the wireless about this site yesterday.

So this morning I was started to rattle the rocks around in my head trying to come up with something to post, but then I checked my inbox and found an email from The Australian Office. It turned out I wasn't going to have to doing any thinking at all, she'd done it all for me.

She's been, as she puts it, 'Casting loonies for ridiculous shows'. I read that and, like a four year old eating chocolate cake, the smile started to slowly smear itself across my face.

They've been asking contestant wannabes a host of questions and, well, they're not looking for anyone who would be capable of working out how to split the atom.However I think some of the answers they've got are simply genius.

Here's a wee sample of what she's heard/read.

Finish the phrase:
Curiosity killed the... "possum"
Behind every great man is a... "great wall"
Houston we have a... "lot of snow"
The early bird catches the... "first train"

Questions:
Who painted Van Gogh's Sunflowers? "Um, Jesus?"
Who painted the Mona Lisa? "Mona Lisa did. It's a self-portrait."
What is a female deer called? "A she dear. But I think it's pronounced shidere.

And you know what the best thing is? She's got a whole lot more of these pearlers to send my way.

You can't wait, can you ?

I do notice she left out the bit about playing a French hooker, though.

After Saturday's post (see below) I got this email from the Australian Office. She just wanted to clear a few things up, so I encourage you to read her email.

Hello,

Very happy to be the Australian Office, but may need to charge you a small fee!

However, I feel I'm being unfairly pigeon-holed on the whole 'swims with sharks', 'swears at PM' category, without any recognition of my full talents and experience.

I've had lots of important work-related tasks, such as the
following:

*Whole morning spent lying in a coffin in 'dead' make-up whilst a grown man 'corpse' is repeatedly thrown on top of me (to illustrate a money saving tip for surviving the
recession - 2 bodies per coffin).

*A entire week dedicated to in-depth research of penile-enlargement and erectile
dysfunction products.

*4 hours of 'in-bred' make-up to apply an extra eye, 2 more ears, prosthetic nose, rash, back-hump and dodgy teeth, then a further hour dancing along to a reworking of The Brady Bunch theme with lyrics about the Fritzl family - aka The Inbreddy Bunch.

*Co-ordinating a fund-raising sausage sizzle for local brothels.

*Convincing a Norwegian cabinet minister to be interviewed so that the presenter could then steal his wallet and state secrets.

*Getting 18 rockclimbers in a Smart car.

*Learning to eat M&Ms really fast with chopsticks.

*Taking a comedian to a registry office to change his name to Ghvftr Kijl.

*Organising a 'before and after' makeover in which only one side of the presenter's
body was waxed, tanned, exercised, hair-dyed, teeth-whitened and botoxed.

*Acting as guardian to a 7-year-old Indian child during a shoot in which he
pretended to hold Prince Phillip's penis whilst he peed.

*Trying to persuade a 7 foot shark to attack a life-size cardboard cut-out of violinist Andre Rieu.

*Throwing severed fingers into a teenager's hoody.

*Emerging repeatedly from a (bloody cold) sea dressed as a woman who drowned in 1973.

*Advertising slimming underwear for the under-ones.

*Organising an invasion of Liechtenstein.

I have plenty more but am running out of time.

I do have some standards though (not many) - I once refused to dress in pink Ku Klux Klan robes and dance around a burning cross during a mock lynching in aid of KKK Against Breast Cancer...

Anyway, just wanted to set the record straight...

Suddenly your job seems really boring, doesn't it?

Simply Genius

A friend of mine in Australia sent me this. She gives me so much content for this blog I shall just start referring to her as the Australian Office. (But I'm sorry, if you insist on spending your time in swimming pools with sting rays the size of mattresses or pulling the bird at the Prime Minister AND getting paid for it - ya really think I'm not going to blog about it ?)

She did ponder in an email recently why she felt compelled to send me all the odd stuff she stumbles across on the interweb. No, I have no idea either.

Anyway, this isn't of the bottled mice variety, this is just plain funny.

Watch it.

Rhianna, honey, are you missing something?

This was what Rhianna was wearing as she performed in Times Square for Good Morning America on Tuesday.I think it could be described as 'not much'.

Call me old fashioned, but wouldn't you get a really cold arse?

I think the technical term for that jacket (and you have to say it with an Australian accent cause an Australian told me and it sounds better in Australian), is a bum freezer.

Headlines you never want to be associated with.

I was watching breakfast news on TVNZ this morning and one of those crawling headlines caught my eyes....'Top jockey Jim Cassidy forced to miss spring season due to accident in garden.'

What? He got attacked by the lawn mower? Accidentally ate the datura? Assaulted by a pissed off gnome? Got an allergy?

Is there any way they could have given his accident less cred?

The Australian gives treats him with a little more respect with this headline, 'Cassidy to Miss Carnival with Serious Injury.

He was trimming a hedge when he slipped and sliced two fingers on his left hand, slicing through to the bone. He's currently in hospital about to have surgery.

Gah, hospitals and headlines, places you want to stay out of.

Hit me, baby.

So it's just been announced that Peter Jackson's latest movie is going be 200 million dollar epic based on the life of Russian mobster Igor Borisovich Rabaev. While it hasn't been confirmed who is to play Rabaev, there has been a lot of speculation over who may get the role. Says Jackson, 'We had hope to cast Michael Jackson, however we have had to rule him out after his burial last week.'

While he won't yet reveal where the movie will be shot, it has been rumoured that Hobbiton is one of the locations being considered.
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That, good people, is obviously a completely fictitious bunch of sentences shamelessly designed for the purpose of gaining traffic to this blog. As I have said before, aside from the time the Australian Daily Telegraph linked to me for this post the most hits I have ever had was the day I wrote a post that included Peter Jackson and Russian mobster.

So why the need to up the ante on the traffic?

Well, you see, yesterday I received this email from my brother-in-law :

So far today:LaughyKate has had X unique visitors and X page views.
Quote Unquote has had (insert many more) X unique visitors and (insert many more) x page views.

No, I don't understand it either.

Ya see, the thing is, normally we get in the same vicinity of hits, however yesterday this blog was royally spanked by his blog.

And I'm sorry, but I am not taking that lying down. I have standards. Hence this post - an unashamed, unadulterated attempt to regain some ground by me acting my shoe size.

And while I'm here I might as well give myself all the help I can, so here we go - Google Search, I hope you have your ears on cause I'm talking to ya; Playboy Mansion, Brittany Spears naked, Daniel Craig naked, how to make money fast, All Blacks scandal, Anna Nicole Smith's drug cocktail, Star Wars, playground padding (you would be surprised/unnerved at the number of people who google this), knitting patterns (they tell me knitting is huge), what is Scientology, Chinese for beginners.

And why don't we throw in 2008's top google searches, just for good measure: sarah palin, beijing 2008, facebook login, tuenti, heath ledger, obama, nasza klasa (me either - it's a Polish social networking site), wer kennt wen (German one) ,euro 2008, jonas brothers.

Righto, I think that's enough for now.

Game on, let's sit back and count.

*Whatever you do, don't oversell it*

The Annual International Film Festival is on here at the moment, and that's always going to make a girl a little bit excited.

Yesterday there was a film I wanted to see. But 'twas in the afternoon, so I had to talk to the boss.

The conversation went something like this:

Kate:'Can I go and see a film fest film this afternoon?'

Kate:'What time?'

Kate:'3.45'

Sensible Kate: 'Of course you can't go, you've got work to do.'

Everyday Kate: '3.45? You were still planning on being at work at 3.45? Nerd.'

After wrestling with the voices in my head for about,oh, 0.76 of a second, I found myself nestled into my seat about to watch 'In the Loop.'

Because I am too lazy to paraphrase, this is how IMDB describes it, 'a foul-mouthed comedy that draws on non-specific events to create a world that is terrifyingly familiar: The US President and UK Prime Minister fancy a war, but not everyone else does...'

This is what Peter Bradshaw from The Guardian had to say about it “Horribly brilliant... The acting is superb, and the writing is relentlessly funny – vicious and delicious. And refreshingly, there isn't a sympathetic character in sight.”

Here's a wee sample.



Anyway I laughed like a drain. If you enjoyed the Australian series 'Frontline', then get yourself to this - pronto.
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Crap, I've just oversold it, haven't I ?

Saved by the Hoover

I heard about this story from the Australian corespondent on the breakfast news this morning.

In a nutshell, a guy became trapped underwater after an excavator collapsed in a creek near Melbourne. From what I can gather, his head was half underwater and a quick thinking bystander whipped out her vacuum cleaner hose, passed it down to him and he was able to breathe underwater, just like the Man from Atlantis (except with a hose) until he was rescued.

When I googled this story, I discovered that 'cuum cleaners are, in fact, quite the life saver. Kitty, from Bristol, will attest to that.

Four years ago Kitty's owners noticed that the headcount was one down in the moggie department (family of four). It wasn't long until they heard some yowling coming from under the kitchen unit. They dismantled the sink, looked down the pipe and there she was,well, there her tail was, thrashing madly.

After failing to dislodge her with the barbeque tongs, ('Honey could you pass the tongs, the cat's gone down the drain') they called the fire department. Her future wasn't looking so rosy because they failed to get to her via a manhole as they were blocked by a wall and another crew, who attempted to get through the pipe with a mechanical hammer, also had no luck.

Until they decided to pull out the weapon of mass destruction - the vacuum cleaner.

They put it down the pipe, pressed the button and hoovered Kitty back to safety.

Anymore stories like this, and vacuum cleaners will be standard issue with First Aid kits.

Performance anxiety.

I thought when I wrote a post that included 'Peter Jackson' and 'Russian multimillionaire gangster' that my statcounter went through the roof.

However the dusty road turns into an autobahn when the Australian Daily Telegraph mentions you. (They were also taken with Google Map's stellar directions in the last post) .

You could even find reference to the story yesterday on the front page right alongside the headline, 'My Dog Ate My G-string'.

I have to say, all this attention has made me just a little self conscious.

How clean is the joint?

Have I got my slap on?

Please don't tell me I have a bad underwear situation going on.

I was once unfortunate enough to say that just a little too loudly on a plane.

We were heading up to Fiji to do a bunch of stories after the 1999 coup, we were just getting settled in our seats when I copped an eyeful of something like this -

(Apologies to whoever owns that arse, but you come up when you do a Google search in images for 'revealing g-string').

I really didn't want to see that so I thought I would share and I said in a voice that I thought was just loud enough for just the rest of the crew to hear, 'Oh, that's a rather unfortunate underwear situation going on up there.'

It was loud enough for the rest of my team hear (they didn't thank me) - and the lady herself. She turned round to see three blokes staring at her rear (I was looking sheepishly at the ground by this stage).

And she wasn't totally happy with it,which you can understand. If looks could freeze beads of sweat from ten metres, we would have been four iceblocks by the time we got to Nadi.

That's my morning talk.

As I've said before, you get the big news here.

And it wasn't even Revenge of My Little Pony

It was my big sister's birthday yesterday. Showing impeccable taste, the freshly-turned-seven year old and the four and eleven twelfths year old gave her the box set of Frontline. If you don't know it, it is an Australian comedy that satirised TV current affairs programs and reporting.

And fifteen years after it was made I reckon it remains one of the best pieces of tele on the planet. Especially if you've worked in a newsroom.



If you want to watch the Parts 2 and 3, they're on Youtube along with more Frontline.

Sigh.

I can see there's going to be a lot of time wasted in my day. I shall blame it on my neices.

Another reason to love Australians.

Jetstar hopped across the Tasman and opened doors for business in New Zealand this week.

(Literal translation: Jetstar hopped across the Tasman and opened doors for business this week, thoroughly pissing of Air New Zealand who have smugly being charging people far too much for flights for far too long).

The Australian reports, 'Air New Zealand responded quickly and vowed to compete vigorously against Jetstar, touting its own low-fare credentials and greater frequency on routes targeted by its competitors.'

(Literal translation: Air New Zealand will be to forced drop their fares if they want anyone to ever fly Air New Zealand again. And they are really hoping New Zealanders will forget all those years of fare abuse they have suffered in the hands of the airline).

Jetstar kicked off their 245 million dollar expansion into New Zealand by offering one dollar fares between Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch and Queenstown. The offer was Internet only and you had to book between 12 and 2 p.m.

Naturally wanting to get a piece of the $1 action I jumped on the Internet. Got about five minutes in to my booking and, crash!

Second attempt. Three minutes in. Crash.

Third attempt. New computer. Two minutes in. Crash.

You get the picture. Basically if you try and to jam the population of Tokyo into cars, and then send them down a dusty two lane road, you're going to get a traffic jam. But I'm suspecting Jetstar knew that already.

But they didn't count on little Miss Terrier Pants wanting to get her hands on a $1 fare. Hell no, too much traffic on the dusty road wasn't going to deter me.

I rang their toll free number. Disconnected.

I tried again. Disconnected.

I tried again. Busy.

I tried again. Busy.

About five calls later I got through. A recorded message talked to me and I was put on hold.

FOR TWENTY-ONE MINUTES. (Luckily, speakerphone has been invented).

So I managed to make my booking and the woman said, 'Now I'm sorry but there is a fee for a phone booking, so the full charge to your credit card will be $3.'

I told her I thought I could wear it.

A quick scan of the Internet tells me that if I wanted, I could pay Air New Zealand $434 for the very same flight, should I desire to part with the cash.

As I am writing this I've just heard that Air New Zealand has just announced $3 fares.

Jetstar, I think I love you.

Snap! UPDATED !

Last week my phone rang, 'Just thought you'd like to know that it's 32 degrees here, I've just selected which fish is about to lose its life and become my lunch and I'm having a beer.'

'You're a bastard, Dad.'

'Heh heh. Back on Sunday, talk to you then, bye!'

My father was in Bangkok *working*.

Okay, that sentence looks slightly sifty. He was actually working, arms dealers need conferences, didn't you know?

When he got back he was telling me that on the last day he went on a canal trip and then went and checked out the Grand Palace - where he bumped into two friends of his.

Of course he did.

So in a country that is about fifteen hours in a plane away from New Zealand, in a city with a population of around nine million, my father managed to bump into people he knew? Okay it was at a major tourist attraction, so that would bring chances down somewhat, but hell, that's quite a coincidence.

Or is it?

I was pondering this and when I trawled through my memory archive I discovered a few other wee coincidental pearlers lurking in dusty corners of my brain.

When we went to Malaysia I announced to the crew that the competition for the trip was to see who bumped into someone they knew.

The boys rolled their eyes a sighed a collective, 'Yeah right, Kate.'

Then, on the last day of the trip we were all shopping in a big mall and I looked up and said, 'Gidday Mary, hi Philly!' My team were speechless as I smugly introduced them all to one of my oldest friend's mother and her friend, who were stopping off on trip back from the Uk.

Guess who was little Miss Gloaty for the rest of that trip?

Another from the coincidence archive was when I was in Tokyo I was working with an Australian guy who when he met me said, 'I'd never really known any New Zealanders until last year when I was working in Breckenridge and I got to know a New Zealander really well....oh shit what was his name?'

Blank stare from me.

'Shit, what was his name?' (Is what he thought he said, what actually came out of his mouth was was 'Sheet, what was hees nayme?')

Another blank stare. ( I didn't think it was necessary to point out that -at that time- there were practically four million people living in New Zealand, so trying to guess would have been possibly just a little bit silly.)

'Shit. His father organised the Commonwealth Games.'

'Mike SonoffatherwhoorganisedtheCommonwealth Games,he's a friend of mine - I went to varsity with him.'

'Bloody hell, your country is small.'

When we considered that a New Zealander and an Australian discovered, when they were working in Tokyo, that they had a mutual friend who he had met in Colorado, we thought that was reasonably uncanny.

I'm on a roll now.

When my brother Sunshine and Mrs Sunshine were in Africa, they were hitching from Harare to Victoria and got a ride on the back of a ute. When they pulled into a service station they guy noticed Mrs Sunshine's NZ flag on her pack.

'You guys from New Zealand ? You don't happen to know a bird called Nicki W?'

'Umm, yes' said Mrs Sunshine, 'I used to flat with her.'

'Riiiight, I think you better come home with me.'

Nicki W had been staying with his neighbour for about three months.

This is Africa, people. It's a big place.

One more.

Years ago my sister won a national competition and went to the States, where she was staying along with about forty others from about twenty different countries. (Almost sounds like she was in a beauty competition, doesn't it?') She was in Texas where she was billeted along with a woman from Italy. They were looking at the photo albums of their hosts, from a trip they had made to Italy. And Big Sister's Italian friend found a photo of herself in there.

UPDATING! MY BIG SISTER INFORMS ME THAT BEFORE THEY FOUND A PICTURE OF ITALIAN LAY-DEE IN THE ALBUM, SHE SPOTTED A PHOTO OF MY GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE (you have to scroll down to the photo once you get there) IN SAID PHOTO ALBUM. TOO SPOOKY.

As you do.

Enough from me, I am now opening the floor, anyone else had weird coincidences? Or is it just that my family are never destined to win the lottery, but bump into random people we know in really obscure places all over the world?